Movie Reviews: Doctor Strange, Hacksaw Ridge, Arrival, Sing Street, and The BFG

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I went on vacation last week, so I didn’t have time to write anything about the handful of movies I’ve seen recently, but now I’m back and they’ve piled up to the point where I need to just rush through these reviews, because I’m about to get busy again after this.  So here’s the latest on non-Hogwarts wizards (that’s next week), untold WWII stories, moody alien fiction, Irish teenagers, and a computerized giant with nonproportional ears.

Spoiler alert: They all basically got the same grade from me.  I’m a hack!

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Expectations vs Reality: Jack Reacher 2, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, The Infiltrator, and Mascots

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This week in movie reviews I’ll be observing the expectations of the new movies I recently watched, followed by the reality of what they were actually like.  Kind of like the expectation that this Dino Bone post will be as good as the last one you read, which if you haven’t been around this site for very long, you will soon discover to be a disappointing reality.

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April Movie Catchup: Eye in the Sky, Hardcore Henry, Midnight Special, Demolition

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It’s been a couple of weeks since my last review, when I applauded the use of Michael Shannon’s dead body in a $250 million blockbuster.  But I’ve actually seen a handful of movies since then, including one with a moving-around Michael Shannon in an $18 million indie picture!  So here is the best of what the first half of April 2016 had to offer.  Well, what I assume is the best.  I haven’t seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, after all.

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Lazy Movie Review: SPECTRE

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Premise:  In what might be (?) Daniel Craig’s final Bond movie, he plays some guy named Jim Bond, who is a spy and drives cars, and kind of just assumes that rando older Italian women want to bang him (turns out they do).  Why wouldn’t they, I guess?  I don’t know.  Leave me alone.  Anyway, he fights a couple of villains in this movie who wear uncomfortably over-stylized jackets, and one of them has a ponytail.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Bond villain who just wore a 1993 Buffalo Bills windbreaker and operated his evil corporation in an abandoned Sports Authority building in Indiana?  Well, there’s always the next reboot…  *closes eyes* *crosses fingers*  JOSH GAD JOSH GAD JOSH GAD.

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Movie Review: Fantastic Four

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I’m gonna be 100% honest with you, I kind of didn’t hate Fantastic Four.  I was relatively entertained for most of it, and I went into it without really having any expectations, good or bad, and came away somewhere in the middle spectrum of entertainment.  “That was alright,” was my expert analysis right after I saw it.  Want another brilliantly insightful, meaty tidbit of dissection from my brain in the parking lot?  “I wasn’t bored.”  Wow, what a ringing endorsement!

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Lazy Movie Review:: Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

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Premise:  In addition to having the theme song that I sing really loudly while I take the trash cans to the curb every Thursday night (don’t ask), Mission Impossible also has my favorite animated bomb wick ignition sequences off all time too.  Fun Fact:  No one in this movie uses bomb wicks.  They use computers and stuff.  That’s why spy movies will never be as good as I imagine they were back before I was born.  Why don’t you try to escape a shark tank with a wet box of matches and a deck of cards, you cyber punks!

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Lazy Movie Review: Ant-Man

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Premise:  Paul Rudd as a superhero?!  Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat…?!  He plays Scott Lang, an ex-con who went to prison for hacking money back to investors who got screwed over by his company.  He gets recruited by Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), and his daughter Hope Pym (Evangeline Lilly [Kate from Lost]) to steal back the technology Pym tried to hide from his business partner because it’s too powerful and will destroy the world, kind of.  The explosions are apt.

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Lazy Movie Review: Terminator Genisys

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Premise:  I saw this movie two weeks ago and haven’t had much time to write anything about it until now, but that has kind of confined my memory to basically remember it being a rehash of the first Terminator‘s plot, but then with more robots and stuff later on.  Also, cell phone app updates are bad and could lead to a nuclear wasteland where the survivors are being imprisoned by tyrannical robot overlords.  Remember that the next time you’re asked to update Angry Birds Seasons.

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Movie Review:: Mad Max: Fury Road

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There were times in my life when I would plan days in advance to order a pizza.  Not just any pizza, but Giordano’s stuffed spinach deep dish.  On Sunday I would plan out my meals for the week, and I’d make a note to order that $30, extra large pizza all for myself on Thursday, and I’d wait all week knowing that on Thursday, I’d be biting into that delicious wad of melted cheese.  And when Thursday finally rolled around, and I picked up that pizza from the restaurant, and almost ritualistically cut it and sat down with two slices on my plate; that first bite was almost dizzying.  It was a high expectation living up to a reality.  Nothing about it let me down.  That’s where Mad Max: Fury Road comes in.  I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie in a while, and when it ended up being everything I hoped for, it became worth the agonizing wait.

Ya know, I’m sorry I wasted your time with that pizza metaphor.  I probably should have just started with the sentence “I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie…”.  I always have to attempt to make dumb comparisons to food.  That’s a crappily accurate expectation you should probably have for my reviews by now.  So at least I didn’t let you down in that regard.

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Ranking All The Characters in Avengers: Age of Ultron

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Since this was such a huge movie that surpassed all reason and logic for normal movie reviewing, and since there’s so many characters involved, I thought that I’d avoid comparing whether I liked the explosion 12 minutes in more than the explosion 47 minutes in, and just rank all the characters from best to worst.  Plus, the more I think about it, the one 47 minutes in was way better.

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