Looking at Some of the Forgotten Movies of 2014

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Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope you’re all thankful for the bountiful amount of leftovers this glorious day will provide you, so that by Sunday your family is still feasting on the remains of a three-day old turkey like a cast of sea crabs nibbling on a whale corpse that’s sunk to the bottom of the ocean.  Sorry, I watch a lot of nature shows.  I hope that was an appetizing thought for you.

Anyway, *I’m* thankful for streaming rental services, which have given me the convenient opportunity to check out some of the movies that I remember getting hyped up about earlier this year, and then never bothering to see in theaters for whatever reason and forgetting that they exist.  At the very least, I hope this post gives you something to pretend to read on your phone while your uncle and your grandpa argue about politics as you desperately wait for dinner to be ready at your mom’s house.  Oh god, grandpa is using racial slurs again…!  [sits in bathroom pretending to poop for 2 hours]

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Lazy Movie Review: Robocop 2014

Robocop-2014

Premise:  In a reboot no one really asked for, a young police officer (played the guy from The Killing) gets blown up in his driveway over some petty bickering with some stereotypically crooked cops, and he gets rebuilt…  into…  JOHNNY-5.  I mean…  ROBOCOP.  Now, with the help of a possibly evil corporation that still does a lot of great work providing artificial limbs to wounded veterans, he gets put on the streets of Detroit to show the world that robots should be our true overlords, and we need to line the pockets of Michael Keaton’s corporate sport coat with million dollar bills.  And even though Detroit isn’t the post-apocalyptic wasteland of mutants and colorful bike gangs we all wished it to be…  he still, ya know…  cleans up a good amount crime or whatever.  But what about his family?  WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?  Well, he must battle his doughy insides with the shiny metal exterior that’s holding them in, to regain his own humanity, or else his kid may never get to experience what it would be like to play catch with a robot dad who could now probably throw the baseball 215 MPH at his face.

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Movie Review: I, Frankenstein

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If I had went to see this movie with my fiance on a Friday night, and we got drinks and popcorn, and I had ended up spending $35 dollars to experience I, Frankenstein; I probably would have been bitter and angry that I wasted so much time and money on it.  But I saw it by myself, at 11 in the morning, I snuck in a free can of soda, and I had $5 left on a gift card; so at Regal’s “Economy” pricing, I ended up only paying $1 out-of-pocket to see this thing.  Not too much risk in that investment.  But did I get one dollar worth of entertainment out of I, Frankenstein…?  …(hesitantly)  Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaah…  I guess so…

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Lazy Movie Review:: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

catching fire

Premise:  Based on the popular book series to which I’ve read the first one and didn’t bother reading the two sequels; Katniss is back, and she is angry and such about having to be the symbol of a revolution.  Life was so much simpler before she murdered those other teens on television and became famous.  Been there!  All the lovable characters from the first one are still around; like Peeta (the useless guy), Haymitch (the drunk guy), Cina (the poorly acted guy), Gale (the forced love triangle guy), President Snow (the evil guy) and Elizabeth Banks, whose character name I can’t remember.  Let’s just call her Foofica Promwillywick.  That name matches her appearance pretty well.

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Lazy Movie Review: Pacific Rim

pacific rim

Premise:  An alien attack is happening via the ocean, as giant monsters (referred to in the film 50 times as kaiju) are destroying coastal cities.  The humans of Earth put aside their differences in order to try and stop the monsters, by building huge robots (referred to in the film 50 times as jaegers) designed to punch the monsters until they fall over.  But the monsters start getting bigger, and coming in greater numbers, so I think its safe to say that it has never felt more logical for me to keep living in Illinois than it does in Pacific Rim’s scenario.

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Lazy Movie Review: White House Down

White House Down - trailer video

Premise:  C-Tates just wants to be a secret service guy, but the government has put him on Speaker of the House security detail…  BORING…  But while visiting the White House with his daughter, local terrorists start causing trouble in the capital.  Shit starts to go *down* in the White House, if you will.  [giant cane comes out of kitchen, grabs me by the neck, pulls me away from computer, audience at the Apollo mysteriously boos me in the distance]

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Movie Review: World War Z

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So I guess the obvious speculation based on the previews were correct; World War Z is nothing like the fantastic book that it’s based on.  Given that the book provides a plethora is great material to include in a film version, the cinematic adaptation basically just resorted to focusing on their A-list star running all over the globe trying to find “patient zero.”  I guess I’m disappointed that we weren’t gifted any of the source material, but at the same time I’m pleasantly surprised that the movie that resulted from just being an in-name only adaptation of World War Z actually ended up being sort of good…!

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