Lazy Movie Review: Noah

Russell Crowe as Noah

Premise:  As Noah descends the mountain on a solid gold unicorn, trying to outrun a tidal wave with god’s face embedded in it, he pulls the reigns and abruptly turns towards the water right as god’s wave mouth is about to wrap around his body.  Noah stabs upward with his glowing Methusela fire sword with an unfathomable amount of blind faith.  At the foothill of the mountain, Hermione frees herself from the clutches of the three-headed minotaur, exhaustedly points her wand at the holy destruction and shouts “Glacius!”  All of the sudden, the wave turns to ice, and its weight falls upon Noah’s sword, causing it to shatter into a trillion pieces, leaving Noah unharmed.  The triumphant soundtrack blares as two of every animal parade out of the arc, each giving a subtle nod to Noah as they pass by; with a grizzly bear stopping for a moment to say in a comically deep Lousiana accent “Thank you fo stoppin that there flood, Noah!  Naw you make sure ta visit mah creole ressaraunt in Nawlins, ya hear!” Noah gives but a brief smile, “Of course I will, Brother Delacroix.”  ROLL CREDITS.  I don’t think any of that actually happened in the movie, but, ya know…  WHATEVER.  I guess my screenplays aren’t good enough for Hollywood.

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Lazy Movie Review:: Thor: The Dark World

thor two

Premise:  If you strip away the context that Thor 2 is a major Marvel comic book movie, and you try to describe the premise, it actually comes out as a hilariously strange concept from the get-go…  It’s a movie about a Norse god who lives in a rainbow space castle across the universe who can fly by using a magic hammer, who must overcome a species of elves who fly high-powered space ships, because they’re trying to destroy all the light in the universe.  If this wasn’t based on the classic source material, could you imagine someone trying to pitch that film to an executive?

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