Lazy Movie Review: Ghostbusters ’16

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Premise:  Also known as Lady Ghostbusters, #NotMyGhostbusters, and The Movie That Shattered a Million Fragile Childhoods; this was a remake of a movie a lot of people like from a long time ago.  Kind of like Total Recall (2012), King Kong (2005), Conan the Barbarian (2011), National Lampoon’s Vacation (2015), Arthur (2011), and so on.  What was the difference between this Ghostbusters remake and all of these other ones that’s causing such a backlash?  I don’t know?  Probably because there’s chicks in it, BRAH.  Bill Murray wasn’t a girl, didn’t you know that?  Why do things have to be different all the time?  Why do we live in a time when we are able to drink Ecto Cooler, but I still have to listen to women tell jokes?  This is such a cruel planet.  Did you know there’s a lady Slimer in this?  Doesn’t that make you want to write a 4,000 word think piece on the disintegration of Hollywood originality?  No?  Well, I guess you’re a stronger person than I am.

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Movie Discussion: Is The Revenant as Good as The Forest is Bad?

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I’ve seen two movies in the past week about people surviving a nightmarish wilderness situation; Alejandro González Iñárritu’s epic frontier tale The Revenant, and some guy named Jason Zada’s first feature-length horror movie called The Forest.  Up front, I’ll just tell you that I really liked The Revenant (I give it a wildernYES!) and I kind of really hated The Forest (a definite wilderNO).  But was The Revenant as far on the good spectrum as The Forest was on the bad?  Let’s look deeper.

Also, I won’t ruin anything major in The Revenant (because you should go check it out), but I will be honest with you, I plan on completely spoiling the entire crappy storyline to The Forest.  So be warned.  Forest spoilers ahead.

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Finally Catching Up: San Andreas; Slow West; Spy; Insidious 3; Kung Fury; and Mad Max (again)

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I’ve been so busy and working overtime (work out!  dwelledeedeedoodooo bwaaabwaa bwuuum bwaaa bwwaa [little B.T.O. humor for you there]) that I haven’t been able to write any reviews for the several things I’ve seen in the last couple of weeks.  Well, I finally found some free time, so I thought I’d just clump them all into one stupid turd of a compilation post.  As you can tell by the fact I typed out that B.T.O guitar riff joke, looked at it, and then still didn’t delete it; this already isn’t going very well.

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Movie Review: It Follows

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Well, March is finally almost over.  It was a pretty good month for everything *except* movies.  I ended up only seeing two films within this month, and while both happened to be pretty good (this and Chappie), it just felt like everything else was unbearably undesirable.  I feel like I should add some additions to my last post for Sean Penn’s Liam Neeson ripoff, and that generic looking Dreamworks movie that I have never seen a commercial for.

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Movie Review: The Babadook

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Without question, this is hands down 2014’s best movie title.  It’s just fun to say.  Babadook.  Babadook.  Babadooooook.  BABADOOK.  Baaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaadoooooooook.  I was watching it in the same room with my fiance as she was doing some schoolwork, and I was narrating the movie to her out loud (probably distracting her greatly), just saying “Babadook” as much as I could, *because* I could.  Oh yes, I’m that annoying in real life, you guys.

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Theater Roundup: The Best That Late September Can Muster

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I’ve seen a bunch of movies since I last wrote about that weird Liam Neeson pizza movie a couple of weeks ago, but between a busy schedule full of hard working, hard traveling, hard vacationing, and hard eating (ow!); I would highly doubt that I’ll gather up the time and energy to give each of these movies their own proper over-worded, smarmy review.  So here I am now, just spewing them all out in little chunks, like an undercooked Tombstone Double-Top 4 Meat pizza after a grueling night of drinking whiskey mixed with blended Starbursts.

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Lazy Movie Review: As Above, So Below

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Premise:  A historian/alchemist named Scarlett (Perdita Weeks) is trying to finish her dead father’s work of finding Nicholas Flamel’s tomb in the catacombs under France and locating the Philosopher’s Stone.  Wait, what is this, Harry Potter?  No?  Ok.  While searching for the Stone underground, her friend Ron gets injured in a life-sized chess match, then she fights a basilisk and stabs Tom Riddle’s diary with a tooth.  Gryffindor then got 150 extra points in the house cup because Harry made a kick ass grilled cheese sandwich.  No, but seriously, the characters in As Above, So Below sort of literally stumble into hell.  NO BIGGIE.

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