R8in’ the F8: The 10 Most Furiously Gr8 Things About The Fate Of The Furious

Pop on your best sleeveless shirt and then pop on your best sleeveless tactical armor, and while you’re at it, pop in the finest lime wedge into that Corona you’re drinking, brother!  I saw Fate of the Furious, aka F8 0f th3 Fur10u5, aka [shows you tattoo of a stone Jesus cross with monster truck wheels] over the weekend, and I have a comprehensive list of all the best things about this movie.

[HOPS IN 2005 HYUNDAI SONATA] [STARTS DOING DONUTS IN YOUR GARDEN]

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Theater Roundup: Don’t Breathe, Kubo and the Two Strings, and Morgan

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I definitely feel like Dino Bone has gotten neglected by me this year, and it makes me feel bad.  I’ve had my most productive work year ever, and considering that this is an unpaid hobby blog…  I tend to skew my life more to making that paper, and buying stuff I don’t need; like boomerangs and novelty plates.  Until a lonely sultan comes along and payrolls me six figures to be his personal movie reviewer, this might be how it is for the time being.

But I’ll try to make up for that a little today!  …By lumping three movies I’ve seen over the past two weekends into several crappy mini reviews…?  Oh wait, that’s what I’ve been doing that’s so neglectful to begin with.  Oops.

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Movie Review:: Mad Max: Fury Road

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There were times in my life when I would plan days in advance to order a pizza.  Not just any pizza, but Giordano’s stuffed spinach deep dish.  On Sunday I would plan out my meals for the week, and I’d make a note to order that $30, extra large pizza all for myself on Thursday, and I’d wait all week knowing that on Thursday, I’d be biting into that delicious wad of melted cheese.  And when Thursday finally rolled around, and I picked up that pizza from the restaurant, and almost ritualistically cut it and sat down with two slices on my plate; that first bite was almost dizzying.  It was a high expectation living up to a reality.  Nothing about it let me down.  That’s where Mad Max: Fury Road comes in.  I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie in a while, and when it ended up being everything I hoped for, it became worth the agonizing wait.

Ya know, I’m sorry I wasted your time with that pizza metaphor.  I probably should have just started with the sentence “I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie…”.  I always have to attempt to make dumb comparisons to food.  That’s a crappily accurate expectation you should probably have for my reviews by now.  So at least I didn’t let you down in that regard.

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Movie Review: A Million Ways to Die in the West

Reaction shot.

Reaction shot.

I wasn’t keeping tabs, but here’s my best guess at the tally of the jokes from this film…  Twelve boner jokes, seven poop jokes, two pee jokes, five unexpected celebrity cameos, six random cutaway jokes, five kick in the groin jokes, and about seven people-falling-down-to-end-a-scene-with-a-laugh jokes..  Probably about equal to what I was expecting in a Seth MacFarlane movie.  At one point, as the characters entered a barn dance, I got up and slowly walked to the bathroom (wasn’t in much of a hurry to get back), and upon re-entering the theater, I caught the last 10 seconds of what appeared to be a classic MacFarlane forced song and dance number where everyone was singing about mustaches.  Just people singing “Mustache!” “Mustache!” over and over again.  Sorry I missed the genesis of that gem of a sequence…

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Movie Review: Prometheus

Like most major science fiction releases, Prometheus has stirred up some debate.  The trailers were awe-inspiring, and gave us all hope that Ridley Scott had created some new deep space magic on the big screen.  But reviews started to pour in, many of which pointed to the contrary.  Now that I’ve put my butt in the theater seat and watched the actual film, did I consider it brilliant?  Did I consider it terrible?  Should I have eaten that leftover slice of Giordano’s deep dish before I went into the theater?  Read on to find out!

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Lazy Movie Review: Snow White and the Huntsman

Premise:  The classic story of Snow White gets the “What if…?” treatment.  As in, a group of studio executives somewhere in Hollywood probably had this meeting a few years ago:

“Gentlemen, we need something for our 2012 release schedule.  Stevens, what have you got?”

“What if we took Cinderella, but turned it into a steam punk alien story?”

“Nah.  Those guys at Disney are making that John Carter picture.  It’s gonna be huge, I don’t want to compete with that.  What else you got?”

“Hmmm…  What if Goldilocks & the Three Bears were in turn-of-the-century England, and Goldilocks was a vampire?

“Ehhhhh….”

“And so are the bears.”

“Vampire bears?”

“CGI vampire bears.”

“CGI vampire bears voiced by Michael Clark Duncan?”

“…Obviously.”

“…  Nah, I’ve got seven vampire pictures in the works already.  Unless you have a brilliant idea like a former U.S. President fighting vampires, I’m gonna have to pass…  What else you got?”

“OK, OK.  What if…  Snow White was set in a dark gothic fantasy land…?  Special effects in literally every scene.  I know the guy who produced Alice in Wonderland.”

“I don’t kn-”

“SNOW WHITE IN A FULL SUIT OF BODY ARMOR FIGHTING AN EVIL QUEEN MADE OF CROWS!”

“…Yes…  YES…!  I SEE IT NOW!  HARVEST OUR DREAMY YOUNG TALENT CROPS!”

[everyone feasts upon a unicorn]

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