Lazy Movie Review: SPECTRE

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Premise:  In what might be (?) Daniel Craig’s final Bond movie, he plays some guy named Jim Bond, who is a spy and drives cars, and kind of just assumes that rando older Italian women want to bang him (turns out they do).  Why wouldn’t they, I guess?  I don’t know.  Leave me alone.  Anyway, he fights a couple of villains in this movie who wear uncomfortably over-stylized jackets, and one of them has a ponytail.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Bond villain who just wore a 1993 Buffalo Bills windbreaker and operated his evil corporation in an abandoned Sports Authority building in Indiana?  Well, there’s always the next reboot…  *closes eyes* *crosses fingers*  JOSH GAD JOSH GAD JOSH GAD.

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Plodding Through the 2014 Holiday Movie Season

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It seemed like for the several weeks leading up to the holidays, all of the film commercials and trailers were ending with “December 25”, “Christmas Day”, or “Just in time for Christmas!”.  It gave me the impression that there was a baker’s dozen of movies all being released on the same day.  I guess that wasn’t really the case, but there were definitely a lot of movies released over the last week or so, and I saw a handful of them.  Surprisingly, none of the films I watched were bad.  Yet I wouldn’t really call them good either.  They all hovered around the same mediocre score for me, ending the year on a remarkably unimpressive note.  They can’t all be Birdman.

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One Smart Guy vs. Three Idiots: The Theory of Everything vs. Horrible Bosses 2

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A very busy/stressful week last week kept me from writing up the thrilling Horrible Bosses 2 review I’m sure you were all on pins and needles waiting for, not being able to continue on with your lives until you go the email update that I had written it, but *now* I have not only seen just that film; but also the Stephen Hawking biopic, The Theory of Everything.  Sooooo, I thought I’d group the two movies together into another one of my helpful FAQs, so that you can decide which of these painfully similar films you’d actually like to pay money for.  I mean, the screenplays were probably written by the same guy.  They’re basically companion movies.

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Looking at Some of the Forgotten Movies of 2014

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Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope you’re all thankful for the bountiful amount of leftovers this glorious day will provide you, so that by Sunday your family is still feasting on the remains of a three-day old turkey like a cast of sea crabs nibbling on a whale corpse that’s sunk to the bottom of the ocean.  Sorry, I watch a lot of nature shows.  I hope that was an appetizing thought for you.

Anyway, *I’m* thankful for streaming rental services, which have given me the convenient opportunity to check out some of the movies that I remember getting hyped up about earlier this year, and then never bothering to see in theaters for whatever reason and forgetting that they exist.  At the very least, I hope this post gives you something to pretend to read on your phone while your uncle and your grandpa argue about politics as you desperately wait for dinner to be ready at your mom’s house.  Oh god, grandpa is using racial slurs again…!  [sits in bathroom pretending to poop for 2 hours]

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Lazy Movie Review: Epic

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Premise: So this girl gets shrunken down to a few inches tall, and gets caught up in this war about destroying the forest or something broad like that, and then everything works out in the end or whatever and she becomes big again.  The ticket prices were EPIC, though… $28 for two adults and a kid at 11am on a Sunday…!   Plus, it’s from the Ice Age animation studio… (fart noise)   At least the whole movie wasn’t just a dream sequence or something.

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Movie Review: Django Unchained

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There was a moment in Django Unchained when a mysterious figure emerges from the darkness of a cold, empty forest; and as it gets closer we begin to see a smiling Christoph Waltz riding a stagecoach with a giant spring coiled tooth bouncing on the top of it.  This moment I realized that I was probably in store for the best movie of the year.  This was also the first scene of the film.

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