Ranking All the Characters in Suicide Squad

00 suicide squad

As I try to do with every comic book movie I can, I have now given the official, unarguable ranking of all the characters in Suicide Squad.  If you’d like an overall opinion of ‘Cide Squad from me, I thought it was about as fun as it was stupid; which is the best backhanded compliment I can possibly muster up for it.

I can understand why most movie critics didn’t like it, because it would be the equivalent a food critic complimenting a beef quesalupa.  But c’mon, you’re telling me you’ve never eaten $14 worth of Taco Bell and felt really satisfied with yourself?  No?  Well, Meryl Streep and Hugh Grant’s Florence Foster Jenkins comes out this weekend.  I hope you enjoy it, Professor!  [chugs entire bottle of Cotton Candy Faygo in critic’s face]

On to the rankings!

Continue reading

Ranking All the Characters in Captain America: Civil War

00-civil-war

As is now my standard for reviewing these giant ensemble superhero movies, I will rank all of the characters I can remember from the movie from best to worst.  Not listed: the single tear that falls from my face every time I see Captain America defending this amazing country that I love so god damn much.

Oh yeah, this will be a spoiler filled article, I’m sure.  But based on the box office numbers, I’m sure you saw this anyway.

Continue reading

Theater Roundup: Hail, Caesar!, Deadpool, and Zoolander 2

theater roundup february header

I haven’t had a lot of time to write as much as I’d like to lately (I mean, I guess I am getting married this weekend…), but I still managed to sneak in a few movies recently, and if I don’t spit out some speedy reviews right now, I don’t think I’ll have another opportunity to do it until like two weeks from now, after our honeymoon.  So here are my sloppy, drastically under-thought reviews of Hail, Caesar!, Deadpool, and Zoolander 2!

Continue reading

Lazy Movie Review: Ant-Man

Ant-Man

Premise:  Paul Rudd as a superhero?!  Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat…?!  He plays Scott Lang, an ex-con who went to prison for hacking money back to investors who got screwed over by his company.  He gets recruited by Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), and his daughter Hope Pym (Evangeline Lilly [Kate from Lost]) to steal back the technology Pym tried to hide from his business partner because it’s too powerful and will destroy the world, kind of.  The explosions are apt.

Continue reading

Ranking All The Characters in Avengers: Age of Ultron

ultron 00

Since this was such a huge movie that surpassed all reason and logic for normal movie reviewing, and since there’s so many characters involved, I thought that I’d avoid comparing whether I liked the explosion 12 minutes in more than the explosion 47 minutes in, and just rank all the characters from best to worst.  Plus, the more I think about it, the one 47 minutes in was way better.

Continue reading

Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

galaxy1

Quick theater story before I get into the review…  I went to a 10 pm screening last night (the new midnight show I guess), and it was pretty full, and this group of five 20-something dorks were sitting in the same row as us on the other side.  The worst of them was irritatingly loud.  The kind of loud that before the trailers started everyone in the theater was just listening to him talk.  One of those annoying people whose range of volume varies from yelling to shouting.  Nothing but cynical dribble about what’s wrong with this comic book movie, or what he noticed about that TV show.  He had to make sure everyone heard him because his obnoxious opinions and dumb jokes were so important.  Once the trailers started, he began shouting over them because he had to compete with the volume of the screen now, you see.  When the first trailer ended, and he was still yammering on about something, his friend started joking “You’re so loud, man.  So loud!”  And some irritated bro about four rows behind us goes, “Yeah, he really is.”

Then for two more trailers he kept dork-shouting things, with every bit of silence filled with brief blips of annoyance, “WELL TWO CHARACTERS WERE” or “IN THE CARTOON HE WAS MORE OF” or “I’M PLANNING ON GOING TO”.  I consider myself to be a nerd (at least of the pop-culture variety), but this guy had me wanting to book him in the hallway and give him an atomic wedgie.  Finally, after the “put on your 3D glasses” message came up and the next trailer started, and he shouted *the* lamest joke possible: “THE LETTERS ARE COMING RIGHT AT ME!” That same irritated bro four rows back then shouted “If your friend doesn’t shut the f*** up, we’re gonna beat all of your asses in the parking lot!”  It was a gloriously deserved moment.  I, and many other people in the theater laughed out loud.  And the dork never said another word until the movie was over.  I don’t think I would have condoned them actually getting beat up over their friend being loud during the pre-movie and trailers, but if it *did* happen, I probably would have just shrugged and nodded approvingly.

I caught a glimpse of the magnificent beast as we were exiting the theater, when he went back to shouting references at his friends who were two feet away from him, “APOCALYPSE APPEARED AT THE END OF X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST, THIS ENDING SCENE WAS”, and oh he was a sight to behold.  He must have been at least 6’7″, a curly, unkempt brown collection of near-afro-ish nerd curls, blank-yet-dopey face, and the creme de la creme; a My Little Pony t-shirt, which he chose to wear in public, unironically.  It was like a near perfect visualization of how I wanted him to look.  The only thing missing was the Cheeto fingers.

Well, now that I’ve wasted 500 words talking about some sad lummox, maybe I should move on to Guardians of the Galaxy, which actually made me feel incredibly happy?

Continue reading