Movie Review: A Walk Among the Tombstones

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At a time when odd gimmicks with one sentence premises roam free at the theaters, I was still kinda shocked when Universal Pictures decided to release a gritty cop drama about Liam Neeson trying to figure out which frozen pizza he’d like eat for dinner.  It’s a bold move, and frankly, it paid off with some bold cinema.  Maybe not as bold as a Tombstone Double Top 4 Meat Pizza, but pretty bold nonetheless.

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Lazy Movie Review: Let’s Be Cops

lets be cops

Premise: In a movie that I saw five days ago yet can barely remember anything about it; two guys (Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr) dress up as cops for a party, and then when they leave the party they notice everyone thinks they’re cops, so they say “Let’s Be Cops” and now they are pretending to be cops. Then they get caught up in a big investigation with dangerous people, so they actually have to do real police work while just pretending to be police. Is this making sense to you yet? They’re not cops, but they are pretending. That’s not just the premise of the movie; it’s also the name of it. Two normal guys. They are fake cops. Let’s Be Cops. [coughs gently into hand]

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Lazy Movie Review: Deliver Us From Evil

evil has been delivered

Premise:  A special ops cop from New York teams up with a ex-junkie priest, packing only their deadly firearms and even deadlier rosary beads, on the lookout for some demonic bad guys to pistol whip back to hell…  Don’t even *TRY* to badmouth the Yankees around these guys, or they’ll get old testament on yo’ ass.  If there’s two things they love, it’s New York City and doing god’s bidding.  You mess with either of those things, and you’ll be prayin’ for some eternal damnation after what they gonna do to ya!  (OK, now take all of that, and bring it down like 5 notches, and you’ll have Deliver Us From Evil)

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Movie Review: The Raid 2

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As an enthusiast of the “single guy runs into a building and wreaks havoc on all his foes” genre, I was very happy to see that The Raid 2 actually came to theaters out in suburbia.  Apparently, so was a 70-year-old married couple, because they were also in the theater and didn’t even leave at the first sign of a guy’s leg twisting the wrong direction.  I hope when I’m that old I’ll still be into shit like this.

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Lazy Movie Review: Need for Speed

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Premise:  Aaron Paul stars as Chase Racerman (Ok, I forgot the character’s actual name), a mechanic who is also like the BEST driver EVER.  He gets framed for manslaughter by Derek Evildriver (also forgot character name), and when he gets out of prison, he immediately hits the road to try to get to a race which is the most important race EVER, against Derek Evildriver, with the actual stakes of the race being something they either never mentioned or was said so quietly that I didn’t hear it.  But he has to get from New York to California in 45 hours, so as the title proclaims, there is most certainly a *need* for *speed*.  It’s a cross-country road trip movie where Chase Racerman is able to avoid getting arrested in every single state somehow, probably because he is like the BEST driver EVER.  Sure, the movie has a bunch of flaws, but considering that it’s based off a game by Electronic Arts, that was to be expected (high fives a row of video game nerds).

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Lazy Movie Review: Robocop 2014

Robocop-2014

Premise:  In a reboot no one really asked for, a young police officer (played the guy from The Killing) gets blown up in his driveway over some petty bickering with some stereotypically crooked cops, and he gets rebuilt…  into…  JOHNNY-5.  I mean…  ROBOCOP.  Now, with the help of a possibly evil corporation that still does a lot of great work providing artificial limbs to wounded veterans, he gets put on the streets of Detroit to show the world that robots should be our true overlords, and we need to line the pockets of Michael Keaton’s corporate sport coat with million dollar bills.  And even though Detroit isn’t the post-apocalyptic wasteland of mutants and colorful bike gangs we all wished it to be…  he still, ya know…  cleans up a good amount crime or whatever.  But what about his family?  WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?  Well, he must battle his doughy insides with the shiny metal exterior that’s holding them in, to regain his own humanity, or else his kid may never get to experience what it would be like to play catch with a robot dad who could now probably throw the baseball 215 MPH at his face.

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Lazy Movie Review: Prisoners

prisoners

Premise:  Two families in Pennsylvania have their young daughters kidnapped out of nowhere on Thanksgiving.  They go through the frantic motions of looking for them endlessly for the first week they are missing (which is the film’s timeline).  At the same time, a detective who’s never lost a case (Jake Gyllenhaal) also looks for the girls.  One of the dads (Hugh Jackman) kidnaps a mentally challenged suspect (Paul Dano) who he believes 100% is the girls’ kidnapper, and locks him in a bathroom where he can torture him to get answers while they continue to look for the girls.  Then Gyllenhaal starts looking into Jackman, but they are both looking for the girls still.  And I think there’s close to three other subplots.  It’s a long movie.

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