Movie Discussion: Is The Revenant as Good as The Forest is Bad?

Revenant Forest

I’ve seen two movies in the past week about people surviving a nightmarish wilderness situation; Alejandro González Iñárritu’s epic frontier tale The Revenant, and some guy named Jason Zada’s first feature-length horror movie called The Forest.  Up front, I’ll just tell you that I really liked The Revenant (I give it a wildernYES!) and I kind of really hated The Forest (a definite wilderNO).  But was The Revenant as far on the good spectrum as The Forest was on the bad?  Let’s look deeper.

Also, I won’t ruin anything major in The Revenant (because you should go check it out), but I will be honest with you, I plan on completely spoiling the entire crappy storyline to The Forest.  So be warned.  Forest spoilers ahead.

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Movie Review:: Mad Max: Fury Road

fury road 01

There were times in my life when I would plan days in advance to order a pizza.  Not just any pizza, but Giordano’s stuffed spinach deep dish.  On Sunday I would plan out my meals for the week, and I’d make a note to order that $30, extra large pizza all for myself on Thursday, and I’d wait all week knowing that on Thursday, I’d be biting into that delicious wad of melted cheese.  And when Thursday finally rolled around, and I picked up that pizza from the restaurant, and almost ritualistically cut it and sat down with two slices on my plate; that first bite was almost dizzying.  It was a high expectation living up to a reality.  Nothing about it let me down.  That’s where Mad Max: Fury Road comes in.  I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie in a while, and when it ended up being everything I hoped for, it became worth the agonizing wait.

Ya know, I’m sorry I wasted your time with that pizza metaphor.  I probably should have just started with the sentence “I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie…”.  I always have to attempt to make dumb comparisons to food.  That’s a crappily accurate expectation you should probably have for my reviews by now.  So at least I didn’t let you down in that regard.

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Movie Review: Wild

wild 1

I’m actually proud of myself this weekend for the movie I ended up seeing.  I’m patting myself on the back right now.  Oh, but not because of the actual movie I saw; I’m proud of myself for the fact that I took a hard pass on Exodus: Gods and Kings.  In the weeks leading up to Exodus‘ release, I kept thinking to myself “Do I really want to see this?”, “This looks kind of long and boring”, and “There’s no way that will live up to any sort of expectation, right?”.  Then I remembered from my experiences with Robin Hood, The Counselor, and (to an extent) Prometheus, that I kind of totally dislike Ridley Scott.  Or at least anything he’s put out in the last five years.

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Lazy Movie Review: Why Don’t You Play in Hell?

playin in hell you guys

Premise:  It’s a Japanese action/comedy that has kind of a mouthful of a plot.  It starts 10 years in the past, as a group of young guerrilla filmmakers (who hilariously/randomly call themselves “The F*** Bombers”) aspire to make one truly great film in their lifetime.  Elsewhere, the daughter of a Yakuza boss who stars in commercials walks in on the bloody aftermath of her mom killing four dudes from a rival Yakuza clan, which causes the mom goes to jail for the next 10 years for murder.  Now, in present day, the bratty daughter is all grown up and gets tangled with a wimpy, clueless nerd who gets the ultimatum to either film a future (real life) raid of a rival Yakuza clan in a movie with his daughter as the star (as a get-out-of-jail present for the mom), or die.  Then fate has the F*** Bombers (now an even more pathetic group of losers) get re-intertwined and can finally make their grand movie; and the whole spectacle of it all is pretty hilarious and nutty.

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Movie Review: The Babadook


Without question, this is hands down 2014’s best movie title.  It’s just fun to say.  Babadook.  Babadook.  Babadooooook.  BABADOOK.  Baaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaadoooooooook.  I was watching it in the same room with my fiance as she was doing some schoolwork, and I was narrating the movie to her out loud (probably distracting her greatly), just saying “Babadook” as much as I could, *because* I could.  Oh yes, I’m that annoying in real life, you guys.

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Movie Review: The ABCs of Death 2

abcs of death 01

It’s time for round two of ABCs of Death!  The first time around, the wacky experience resulted in a few real gems, and a lot of “what the hell was that?” and “ewww gross…”  I’m sure the second time that 26 filmmakers from around the world gather their work together to show 26 forms of death for each letter of the alphabet will, well, probably be exactly the same, I’m guessing.  Let’s sift through the weirdness!

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Lazy Movie Review: Hercules (2014)


Premise:  In the first instance of Hercules being played by a guy named Dwayne; the legendary hero joins forces with the king of Athens to take down the army of Rhesus, the evil Lord of Peanut Butter Cups, who is doing something to someone, that makes the king angry or something.  But is the king himself evil?  Did Hercules murder his family?  Probably not?  Yeah, I assumed he didn’t either.  That was a dumb side story of manufactured suspense that no one fell for.  Does anyone even care?  Oh…  wait…  Oh my god…  I didn’t realize this was a Brett Ratner film until the credits started rolling…  It all makes so much sense now!  The incompetence makes so much sense now!

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Lazy Movie Review: Out of the Furnace

ourt of the furnace

Premise:  Russell (Christian Bale) is a mill worker in Pennsylvania (I think) who has a haphazard mistake occur, and lands himself some prison time.  Meanwhile, his brother Rodney (Casey Affleck) is a former marine who know finds himself struggling to get a job, and without his big brother around to help pay off debts, he tangles himself up in a bare-knuckle boxing ring fronted by a crazy New Jersey redneck named Harlan (Woody Harrelson).  Now old-Batman has to try to find out what happened to new-Batman’s little brother.

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Movie Review: Dallas Buyers Club


Based on the true story of Ron Woodroof (played by Matthew McConaughey), Dallas Buyers Club chronicles the life of a Texas hustler in the 1980s, when he gets a surprise diagnosis of HIV, at a time when it was destroying the gay community.  Unable to get any medication for his problem, because everything was still in a testing phase at that point, he takes matters into his own hands and starts smuggling medication in from other countries and selling them to other patients out of his apartment.  I think McConaughey takes his shirt of in this (I’m sure it’s in his contract for most films), but I don’t recall it being a pleasant sight, because he method acted the shit out of this movie and lost a ton of weight.

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