Lazy Movie Review: 13 Hours

13 hours jim

Premise:  It’s very simple.  Jim from The Office in a Michael Bay movie about Benghazi.

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Lazy Movie Review:: Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

misssion impossible rogue nation

Premise:  In addition to having the theme song that I sing really loudly while I take the trash cans to the curb every Thursday night (don’t ask), Mission Impossible also has my favorite animated bomb wick ignition sequences off all time too.  Fun Fact:  No one in this movie uses bomb wicks.  They use computers and stuff.  That’s why spy movies will never be as good as I imagine they were back before I was born.  Why don’t you try to escape a shark tank with a wet box of matches and a deck of cards, you cyber punks!

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Lazy Movie Review: Terminator Genisys

terminator genisys

Premise:  I saw this movie two weeks ago and haven’t had much time to write anything about it until now, but that has kind of confined my memory to basically remember it being a rehash of the first Terminator‘s plot, but then with more robots and stuff later on.  Also, cell phone app updates are bad and could lead to a nuclear wasteland where the survivors are being imprisoned by tyrannical robot overlords.  Remember that the next time you’re asked to update Angry Birds Seasons.

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Movie Review:: Mad Max: Fury Road

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There were times in my life when I would plan days in advance to order a pizza.  Not just any pizza, but Giordano’s stuffed spinach deep dish.  On Sunday I would plan out my meals for the week, and I’d make a note to order that $30, extra large pizza all for myself on Thursday, and I’d wait all week knowing that on Thursday, I’d be biting into that delicious wad of melted cheese.  And when Thursday finally rolled around, and I picked up that pizza from the restaurant, and almost ritualistically cut it and sat down with two slices on my plate; that first bite was almost dizzying.  It was a high expectation living up to a reality.  Nothing about it let me down.  That’s where Mad Max: Fury Road comes in.  I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie in a while, and when it ended up being everything I hoped for, it became worth the agonizing wait.

Ya know, I’m sorry I wasted your time with that pizza metaphor.  I probably should have just started with the sentence “I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie…”.  I always have to attempt to make dumb comparisons to food.  That’s a crappily accurate expectation you should probably have for my reviews by now.  So at least I didn’t let you down in that regard.

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Ranking All The Characters in Avengers: Age of Ultron

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Since this was such a huge movie that surpassed all reason and logic for normal movie reviewing, and since there’s so many characters involved, I thought that I’d avoid comparing whether I liked the explosion 12 minutes in more than the explosion 47 minutes in, and just rank all the characters from best to worst.  Plus, the more I think about it, the one 47 minutes in was way better.

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Movie Review: Furious 7

Furious-7 - 01

I did *not* particularly enjoy the last movie in this franchise.  I thought the action scenes were long and fatiguing, I thought the plot made no sense, and I thought they wrapped it up in too stupid of a bow.  Plus all the actors seemed like they didn’t want to be there.  It felt like a step backwards from the insanity of Fast Five, which was also really dumb, but I didn’t hate it nearly as much.  So enter Furious 7, a sort of positive note for the franchise; where it kept all the good stuff reasonably insane, and all the boring stuff relatively short.

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Movie Review: Chappie

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This is my mandatory opening sentence that appears in every Chappie review that says I loved District 9.  Next up is my obligatory follow-up sentence talking about how disappointed we all collectively were for Elysium.  And of course, the opening paragraph’s closing sentence which asks a hopeful question to the readers: “But will Chappie be a return to glory for Neill Blomkamp?”  I’m just following Chappie review guidelines here, people.

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