Lazy Movie Review:: Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

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Premise:  In addition to having the theme song that I sing really loudly while I take the trash cans to the curb every Thursday night (don’t ask), Mission Impossible also has my favorite animated bomb wick ignition sequences off all time too.  Fun Fact:  No one in this movie uses bomb wicks.  They use computers and stuff.  That’s why spy movies will never be as good as I imagine they were back before I was born.  Why don’t you try to escape a shark tank with a wet box of matches and a deck of cards, you cyber punks!

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Lazy Movie Review: Terminator Genisys

terminator genisys

Premise:  I saw this movie two weeks ago and haven’t had much time to write anything about it until now, but that has kind of confined my memory to basically remember it being a rehash of the first Terminator‘s plot, but then with more robots and stuff later on.  Also, cell phone app updates are bad and could lead to a nuclear wasteland where the survivors are being imprisoned by tyrannical robot overlords.  Remember that the next time you’re asked to update Angry Birds Seasons.

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Movie Review:: Mad Max: Fury Road

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There were times in my life when I would plan days in advance to order a pizza.  Not just any pizza, but Giordano’s stuffed spinach deep dish.  On Sunday I would plan out my meals for the week, and I’d make a note to order that $30, extra large pizza all for myself on Thursday, and I’d wait all week knowing that on Thursday, I’d be biting into that delicious wad of melted cheese.  And when Thursday finally rolled around, and I picked up that pizza from the restaurant, and almost ritualistically cut it and sat down with two slices on my plate; that first bite was almost dizzying.  It was a high expectation living up to a reality.  Nothing about it let me down.  That’s where Mad Max: Fury Road comes in.  I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie in a while, and when it ended up being everything I hoped for, it became worth the agonizing wait.

Ya know, I’m sorry I wasted your time with that pizza metaphor.  I probably should have just started with the sentence “I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie…”.  I always have to attempt to make dumb comparisons to food.  That’s a crappily accurate expectation you should probably have for my reviews by now.  So at least I didn’t let you down in that regard.

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Ranking All The Characters in Avengers: Age of Ultron

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Since this was such a huge movie that surpassed all reason and logic for normal movie reviewing, and since there’s so many characters involved, I thought that I’d avoid comparing whether I liked the explosion 12 minutes in more than the explosion 47 minutes in, and just rank all the characters from best to worst.  Plus, the more I think about it, the one 47 minutes in was way better.

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Movie Review: Furious 7

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I did *not* particularly enjoy the last movie in this franchise.  I thought the action scenes were long and fatiguing, I thought the plot made no sense, and I thought they wrapped it up in too stupid of a bow.  Plus all the actors seemed like they didn’t want to be there.  It felt like a step backwards from the insanity of Fast Five, which was also really dumb, but I didn’t hate it nearly as much.  So enter Furious 7, a sort of positive note for the franchise; where it kept all the good stuff reasonably insane, and all the boring stuff relatively short.

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Movie Review: Chappie

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This is my mandatory opening sentence that appears in every Chappie review that says I loved District 9.  Next up is my obligatory follow-up sentence talking about how disappointed we all collectively were for Elysium.  And of course, the opening paragraph’s closing sentence which asks a hopeful question to the readers: “But will Chappie be a return to glory for Neill Blomkamp?”  I’m just following Chappie review guidelines here, people.

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Lazy Movie Review:: Kingsman: The Secret Service

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Premise:  A teen (or was he 20 something? I don’t know) gets chosen to enter the British secret service because his dad was an ex-member.  Meanwhile, an evil billionaire is plotting something diabolical!  Uh oh!  And then it’s up to the spies and their youthful counterparts to stop him!  Yay! ( …I don’t know why I sounded so dismissive of the plot here, I actually liked the movie a lot.  I think I’m just tired)

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Movie Review: Fury

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I’m always surprised when a big budget Hollywood war movie comes along, and it tries to do things in really unconventional ways.  Take this film for example, starring Jack Black as a man in a giant tiger costume who meets a lovable woman named Ferna (played by Aubrey Plaza), who also happens to dress up in a giant wolf costume.  Sure, the outside world doesn’t understand their lifestyle, or their sexual impulses, but – uhhh.  Wait…  This is embarrassing…  One second…

(leaves the 6:45 pm screening of “Furry” in auditorium 8, and enters the 7 pm screening of “Fury” in auditorium 9)

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Movie Review:: Transformers: Age of Extinction

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While I’m well aware that I’m part of the problem by giving Michael Bay $8 towards a $100 bill he will eventually use to wipe his butt with, I’m still curious as to what the motivation is for enough people to go see Transformers to earn it $301 million worldwide?  How many are truly fans of the series?  How many just wanted to kill some time at a summer blockbuster?  How many have some secret sexual fetish for sarcastic robots with human accents?  My excuse is a combination of morbid curiosity to see what visual highs/comedic lows this franchise can go to, and an almost torturous obligation to myself to see as many high-profile films in theaters as I can, despite every sign telling me to save my money and stay home.  This is the same sickness that will have me groaning through Melissa McCarthy’s Tammy at some point in the next week.  And I actually kind of want to see Deliver Us From Evil…?  What is wrong with me…?

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