Lazy Movie Review:: Kingsman: The Secret Service

kingsman

Premise:  A teen (or was he 20 something? I don’t know) gets chosen to enter the British secret service because his dad was an ex-member.  Meanwhile, an evil billionaire is plotting something diabolical!  Uh oh!  And then it’s up to the spies and their youthful counterparts to stop him!  Yay! ( …I don’t know why I sounded so dismissive of the plot here, I actually liked the movie a lot.  I think I’m just tired)

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Movie Review: Fury

fury 1

I’m always surprised when a big budget Hollywood war movie comes along, and it tries to do things in really unconventional ways.  Take this film for example, starring Jack Black as a man in a giant tiger costume who meets a lovable woman named Ferna (played by Aubrey Plaza), who also happens to dress up in a giant wolf costume.  Sure, the outside world doesn’t understand their lifestyle, or their sexual impulses, but – uhhh.  Wait…  This is embarrassing…  One second…

(leaves the 6:45 pm screening of “Furry” in auditorium 8, and enters the 7 pm screening of “Fury” in auditorium 9)

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Movie Review:: Transformers: Age of Extinction

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While I’m well aware that I’m part of the problem by giving Michael Bay $8 towards a $100 bill he will eventually use to wipe his butt with, I’m still curious as to what the motivation is for enough people to go see Transformers to earn it $301 million worldwide?  How many are truly fans of the series?  How many just wanted to kill some time at a summer blockbuster?  How many have some secret sexual fetish for sarcastic robots with human accents?  My excuse is a combination of morbid curiosity to see what visual highs/comedic lows this franchise can go to, and an almost torturous obligation to myself to see as many high-profile films in theaters as I can, despite every sign telling me to save my money and stay home.  This is the same sickness that will have me groaning through Melissa McCarthy’s Tammy at some point in the next week.  And I actually kind of want to see Deliver Us From Evil…?  What is wrong with me…?

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Lazy Movie Review: Non-Stop

non stop

Premise:  Liam Neeson is an air marshal, and also an alcoholic, who has a daughter, and is tired of doing his job.  All of this is revealed in the first 45 seconds of the movie; as he sits in his car, takes a swig of whiskey, touches a picture of his daughter, and acts morose about going into work.  *That’s* how you character develop shit, son!  Anyway, someone from aboard the international overnight flight accesses Neeson’s restricted cell phone line, and starts texting him threats that one person on the plane will die every twenty minutes until he delivers $150 million to a bank account.  This is followed by NON-STOP UH-OHS.

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Lazy Movie Review: Robocop 2014

Robocop-2014

Premise:  In a reboot no one really asked for, a young police officer (played the guy from The Killing) gets blown up in his driveway over some petty bickering with some stereotypically crooked cops, and he gets rebuilt…  into…  JOHNNY-5.  I mean…  ROBOCOP.  Now, with the help of a possibly evil corporation that still does a lot of great work providing artificial limbs to wounded veterans, he gets put on the streets of Detroit to show the world that robots should be our true overlords, and we need to line the pockets of Michael Keaton’s corporate sport coat with million dollar bills.  And even though Detroit isn’t the post-apocalyptic wasteland of mutants and colorful bike gangs we all wished it to be…  he still, ya know…  cleans up a good amount crime or whatever.  But what about his family?  WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?  Well, he must battle his doughy insides with the shiny metal exterior that’s holding them in, to regain his own humanity, or else his kid may never get to experience what it would be like to play catch with a robot dad who could now probably throw the baseball 215 MPH at his face.

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Lazy Movie Review: White House Down

White House Down - trailer video

Premise:  C-Tates just wants to be a secret service guy, but the government has put him on Speaker of the House security detail…  BORING…  But while visiting the White House with his daughter, local terrorists start causing trouble in the capital.  Shit starts to go *down* in the White House, if you will.  [giant cane comes out of kitchen, grabs me by the neck, pulls me away from computer, audience at the Apollo mysteriously boos me in the distance]

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