Lazy Movie Review: Non-Stop

non stop

Premise:  Liam Neeson is an air marshal, and also an alcoholic, who has a daughter, and is tired of doing his job.  All of this is revealed in the first 45 seconds of the movie; as he sits in his car, takes a swig of whiskey, touches a picture of his daughter, and acts morose about going into work.  *That’s* how you character develop shit, son!  Anyway, someone from aboard the international overnight flight accesses Neeson’s restricted cell phone line, and starts texting him threats that one person on the plane will die every twenty minutes until he delivers $150 million to a bank account.  This is followed by NON-STOP UH-OHS.

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Lazy Movie Review: Robocop 2014


Premise:  In a reboot no one really asked for, a young police officer (played the guy from The Killing) gets blown up in his driveway over some petty bickering with some stereotypically crooked cops, and he gets rebuilt…  into…  JOHNNY-5.  I mean…  ROBOCOP.  Now, with the help of a possibly evil corporation that still does a lot of great work providing artificial limbs to wounded veterans, he gets put on the streets of Detroit to show the world that robots should be our true overlords, and we need to line the pockets of Michael Keaton’s corporate sport coat with million dollar bills.  And even though Detroit isn’t the post-apocalyptic wasteland of mutants and colorful bike gangs we all wished it to be…  he still, ya know…  cleans up a good amount crime or whatever.  But what about his family?  WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?  Well, he must battle his doughy insides with the shiny metal exterior that’s holding them in, to regain his own humanity, or else his kid may never get to experience what it would be like to play catch with a robot dad who could now probably throw the baseball 215 MPH at his face.

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Lazy Movie Review: White House Down

White House Down - trailer video

Premise:  C-Tates just wants to be a secret service guy, but the government has put him on Speaker of the House security detail…  BORING…  But while visiting the White House with his daughter, local terrorists start causing trouble in the capital.  Shit starts to go *down* in the White House, if you will.  [giant cane comes out of kitchen, grabs me by the neck, pulls me away from computer, audience at the Apollo mysteriously boos me in the distance]

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Movie Review: Pain & Gain


As we were waiting in the movie theater for Pain & Gain to start, a weird thing started to happen.  Two little kids, probably ages 6 and 3, walked into the theater by themselves and sat down a few rows behind us.  No parents.  Then some more kids, maybe 5 each, walked into the theater, but they at least had parents this time.  And then another family walked in with probably a 10-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl.  And then ANOTHER family walked in with pre-teens.  So many families walked in that I started to get concerned, not for the children’s well-being in an R-rated film anymore, but that perhaps that we had walked into the wrong auditorium.  Maybe we stumbled into The Croods by mistake?  About 15 minutes after the two very small children had entered the theater by themselves, two middle-aged white ladies with popcorn and drinks appeared around the corner smiling and talking, and eventually sat next to their children.  And then Pain & Gain started.  We were in the right theater.  These families had indeed intentionally brought their young children into this VERY adult film.  I don’t particularly remember the movie being advertised as anything family friendly, and even if they *did* get conned into seeing it, they could have taken their family out of the theater after the first strip club scene, or maybe at the first sign of dildos.  Both of which happen before the halfway point.  But nobody left.  I don’t want to comment on anyone’s parenting abilities, but wow, this seemed like some freaking terrible parenting.  I wonder how ironic that those two dumb ladies found it that they sent their young children blindly into a room full of adult strangers for 15 minutes, and the main plot of the film they watched involved a brutal kidnapping?

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Double Feature Review:: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol & Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

I had myself a double feature this weekend.  I went to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (in IMAX) on Saturday afternoon, and quickly followed that up with a screening of Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.  It was an action packed Saturday, full of mischief and capers!  I figured right now I’d save some time / writing and just review both movies in the same post.  I hope I don’t get them confused or anything because I saw them right after each other.

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Movie Review:: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I’d like Michael Bay if he looked and acted like Woody Allen.  Made the exact same movies but looked and acted like Woody Allen.  If he was just this mega nerd who was obsessed with explosions and special effects and gratuitously showed supermodels at inappropriate times during robot battles.  I would like that guy.  I would think he’s awesome.  Like a Peter Jackson type, who was a fat dork sitting in a dark room conjuring in his mind how he wanted to film the battle scenes in Middle Earth.  Instead Michael Bay is just unlikable Michael Bay.  He’s like the super popular rich snobby jerk in high school who got everything he wanted (girls, clothes, cars), but you think life will even out for him eventually and he’ll end up working at his dad’s car dealership in your hometown 10 years later, because the world is supposed to be fair, right?  But then he grew up, bedded countless supermodels while working for Victoria’s Secret making piles of money, then gets unlimited budgets for blockbuster movies with no apparent scripts, and well becomes a Michael Bay type.  I wanted to use a different person for the analogy, but Michael Bay is honestly the best person to fit that description.  I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t like Michael Bay as a person, and after reading his GQ oral history of Michael Bay article, I have no reason to believe he isn’t actually a pompous mega jerk.

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