Theater Roundup: Don’t Breathe, Kubo and the Two Strings, and Morgan

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I definitely feel like Dino Bone has gotten neglected by me this year, and it makes me feel bad.  I’ve had my most productive work year ever, and considering that this is an unpaid hobby blog…  I tend to skew my life more to making that paper, and buying stuff I don’t need; like boomerangs and novelty plates.  Until a lonely sultan comes along and payrolls me six figures to be his personal movie reviewer, this might be how it is for the time being.

But I’ll try to make up for that a little today!  …By lumping three movies I’ve seen over the past two weekends into several crappy mini reviews…?  Oh wait, that’s what I’ve been doing that’s so neglectful to begin with.  Oops.

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Movie Discussion: Is The Revenant as Good as The Forest is Bad?

Revenant Forest

I’ve seen two movies in the past week about people surviving a nightmarish wilderness situation; Alejandro González Iñárritu’s epic frontier tale The Revenant, and some guy named Jason Zada’s first feature-length horror movie called The Forest.  Up front, I’ll just tell you that I really liked The Revenant (I give it a wildernYES!) and I kind of really hated The Forest (a definite wilderNO).  But was The Revenant as far on the good spectrum as The Forest was on the bad?  Let’s look deeper.

Also, I won’t ruin anything major in The Revenant (because you should go check it out), but I will be honest with you, I plan on completely spoiling the entire crappy storyline to The Forest.  So be warned.  Forest spoilers ahead.

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Oscar Nominated Variety Pack!

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Welcome to late January, a time when the movie selections start to get rather slim for the non-brain dead crowd.  There’s The Wedding Ringer, a movie that I would admittedly hate-watch for 15 minutes if I ever saw it on HBO or something, kind of like I did for the Vaughn/Wilson masterpiece of failure The Internship.  There’s also Mortdecai, which is a film I will actively try to avoid for the remainder of my life.  Sorry, but empty mustache jokes and Gwyneth Paltrow as a wasp isn’t going to get me running to the theater/TV/Netflix/whatever.  HARD PASS.  What else is there?  The Boy Next Door?  Wow.  I’m actually interested in reading about the box office numbers on this one, if only to see if people actually went to see a Jennifer Lopez movie in 2015.  Anything else?  Strange Magic?  Blackhat?  Taken 3?  Yikes, and no thanks.  What’s coming out next week?  Project Almanac?  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit…  Looks like I’m not going to be buying a movie ticket for two more weeks until the Wachowski siblings release that crazy looking space movie with Channing Tatum.

Anyway, I took the opportunity to not feed the January Hollywood machine and instead catch up on a few Oscar nominated movies that I hadn’t seen before, which *I’M ASSUMING* were better than Kevin Hart and Josh Gad doing whatever it is they do for two hours.

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Lazy Movie Review: Why Don’t You Play in Hell?

playin in hell you guys

Premise:  It’s a Japanese action/comedy that has kind of a mouthful of a plot.  It starts 10 years in the past, as a group of young guerrilla filmmakers (who hilariously/randomly call themselves “The F*** Bombers”) aspire to make one truly great film in their lifetime.  Elsewhere, the daughter of a Yakuza boss who stars in commercials walks in on the bloody aftermath of her mom killing four dudes from a rival Yakuza clan, which causes the mom goes to jail for the next 10 years for murder.  Now, in present day, the bratty daughter is all grown up and gets tangled with a wimpy, clueless nerd who gets the ultimatum to either film a future (real life) raid of a rival Yakuza clan in a movie with his daughter as the star (as a get-out-of-jail present for the mom), or die.  Then fate has the F*** Bombers (now an even more pathetic group of losers) get re-intertwined and can finally make their grand movie; and the whole spectacle of it all is pretty hilarious and nutty.

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2014 Oscar Nominated Animated Short Films

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This is my third year in a row going over the Oscar nominated animated short films, and in the previous two years I predicted the correct winners, so I feel like there’s some decent credibility for my cartoon watching building up here.  That will only make it that much more hilarious when I totally get it wrong this year.  Because this time around, surprisingly, not a single entry was terrible, but nothing really stood out as a super clear front-runner either…

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