Theater Roundup: Don’t Breathe, Kubo and the Two Strings, and Morgan

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I definitely feel like Dino Bone has gotten neglected by me this year, and it makes me feel bad.  I’ve had my most productive work year ever, and considering that this is an unpaid hobby blog…  I tend to skew my life more to making that paper, and buying stuff I don’t need; like boomerangs and novelty plates.  Until a lonely sultan comes along and payrolls me six figures to be his personal movie reviewer, this might be how it is for the time being.

But I’ll try to make up for that a little today!  …By lumping three movies I’ve seen over the past two weekends into several crappy mini reviews…?  Oh wait, that’s what I’ve been doing that’s so neglectful to begin with.  Oops.

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Movie Discussion: Is The Revenant as Good as The Forest is Bad?

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I’ve seen two movies in the past week about people surviving a nightmarish wilderness situation; Alejandro González Iñárritu’s epic frontier tale The Revenant, and some guy named Jason Zada’s first feature-length horror movie called The Forest.  Up front, I’ll just tell you that I really liked The Revenant (I give it a wildernYES!) and I kind of really hated The Forest (a definite wilderNO).  But was The Revenant as far on the good spectrum as The Forest was on the bad?  Let’s look deeper.

Also, I won’t ruin anything major in The Revenant (because you should go check it out), but I will be honest with you, I plan on completely spoiling the entire crappy storyline to The Forest.  So be warned.  Forest spoilers ahead.

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Oscar Nominated Variety Pack!

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Welcome to late January, a time when the movie selections start to get rather slim for the non-brain dead crowd.  There’s The Wedding Ringer, a movie that I would admittedly hate-watch for 15 minutes if I ever saw it on HBO or something, kind of like I did for the Vaughn/Wilson masterpiece of failure The Internship.  There’s also Mortdecai, which is a film I will actively try to avoid for the remainder of my life.  Sorry, but empty mustache jokes and Gwyneth Paltrow as a wasp isn’t going to get me running to the theater/TV/Netflix/whatever.  HARD PASS.  What else is there?  The Boy Next Door?  Wow.  I’m actually interested in reading about the box office numbers on this one, if only to see if people actually went to see a Jennifer Lopez movie in 2015.  Anything else?  Strange Magic?  Blackhat?  Taken 3?  Yikes, and no thanks.  What’s coming out next week?  Project Almanac?  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit…  Looks like I’m not going to be buying a movie ticket for two more weeks until the Wachowski siblings release that crazy looking space movie with Channing Tatum.

Anyway, I took the opportunity to not feed the January Hollywood machine and instead catch up on a few Oscar nominated movies that I hadn’t seen before, which *I’M ASSUMING* were better than Kevin Hart and Josh Gad doing whatever it is they do for two hours.

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Lazy Movie Review: Why Don’t You Play in Hell?

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Premise:  It’s a Japanese action/comedy that has kind of a mouthful of a plot.  It starts 10 years in the past, as a group of young guerrilla filmmakers (who hilariously/randomly call themselves “The F*** Bombers”) aspire to make one truly great film in their lifetime.  Elsewhere, the daughter of a Yakuza boss who stars in commercials walks in on the bloody aftermath of her mom killing four dudes from a rival Yakuza clan, which causes the mom goes to jail for the next 10 years for murder.  Now, in present day, the bratty daughter is all grown up and gets tangled with a wimpy, clueless nerd who gets the ultimatum to either film a future (real life) raid of a rival Yakuza clan in a movie with his daughter as the star (as a get-out-of-jail present for the mom), or die.  Then fate has the F*** Bombers (now an even more pathetic group of losers) get re-intertwined and can finally make their grand movie; and the whole spectacle of it all is pretty hilarious and nutty.

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2014 Oscar Nominated Animated Short Films

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This is my third year in a row going over the Oscar nominated animated short films, and in the previous two years I predicted the correct winners, so I feel like there’s some decent credibility for my cartoon watching building up here.  That will only make it that much more hilarious when I totally get it wrong this year.  Because this time around, surprisingly, not a single entry was terrible, but nothing really stood out as a super clear front-runner either…

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Lazy Movie Review: The Wolverine

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Premise: A guy who Wolverine saved from an atomic blast in WWII is dying, and would like to say goodbye to his mutant friend, so he buys Logan some plane tickets.  Once he gets there, Wolverine has a badass Japanese adventure.  Fun Fact:  Hugh Jackman has now played Wolverine in six movies.  Seven after next year.

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Movie Review: The ABCs of Death

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While I was sure there would be lots of stinkers amidst the interesting concept of The ABCs of Death, I had to give it a look because I’ll give any ambitious horror project the benefit of the doubt.  To sum up what the project is in a nutshell, I’ll simply just retype the opening text disclaimer when the film starts:

The following feature film was created by 26 directors from around the world.  Each director was given a letter of the alphabet and asked to choose a word.  They then created a short tale of death that related to their chosen word.  They had complete artistic freedom regarding the content of their segments.

So that’s a pretty great idea, and I’d love to check that out.  At the very least, probably a small handful of the films will justify the viewing of the whole, kind of like V/H/S.  So I’ll just rate all 26 films on their own merits, and then use the scariest element of all, BASIC MATH, to come up with an overall score for this project.  And let the 2+ hour short film marathon begin!

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My Weekend With Criterion

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So if you didn’t know (and I feel sorry for you if you didn’t), Hulu was offering up all of their Criterion Collection films for free streaming during the entire weekend.  I took this opportunity to watch as many films as possible during my free time between Friday morning and tonight, and I ended up viewing 13 films.  There were a few classics I wanted to catch up on, but mostly I wanted to watch some of the lesser recognized titles that seemed interesting, but not interesting enough to pay for.  Some of them were really good, and others painfully atrocious.  But regardless of quality, I had a pretty nice couple of days of basically only watching old (mostly foreign) movies, which is something I haven’t done probably over five years.  So here’s a quick summary of my nice little weekend with the Criterion Collection, which ironically didn’t involve Jean Luc Godard’s Weekend, which I’ve already seen.

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