I watched four movies over the long holiday weekend, because I have nothing better to do with my free time; but I don’t have *enough* free time to write four full reviews of these movies… So I’ll just write-up a few hot takes in one big post while I struggle to digest all the turkey and bacon sandwiches I’ve eaten over the last few days. Do TUMS help your digestion, or just bottle it up worse? Welcome to my plight.
Man, this weekend was a gift from the gods compared to last weekend, when the hottest option available was that crappy Eli Roth rainforest movie. I managed to check out three new movies on the big screen. Considering most of you have more important things going on in your lives, I’ll compare the three movies for you right now, in hopes that you at least go see one of them.
Just like when those two Scarlett Johansson sci-fi movies came out around the same time to confuse you, Hollywood has dumped two almost completely unneccessary sequels on your lap in the same month: Sin City 2 and Expendables 3. So I thought I’d help you out with another FAQ to better understand what you’re looking for before you (probably don’t) go see either of these movies.
Jon (Joseph Gordon Levitt) is a clubbing Jersey bro with too much hair gel and a neurotic workout plan. He loves being with a new girl every week, UNTIL he meets the girl of his dreams, Barbara (Scarlett Johannson). Things are going good with her until she discovers his secret… He loves pornography. I mean, he LOVES it. More than he loves love. He loves it ridiculous amounts of times a week. So he has to learn about life priorities while resisting the urge to punch car windows for 90 minutes. He only succeeds in one of those things, by the way.
Premise: Abraham Lincoln, sitting atop a giant purple tiger named Choodari, leads an army of George Washington android clones against a reptilian force from an unknown planet. He must decide whether or not he shou- wait, that was just a dream I had last night… This movie is about Lincoln passing the 13th Amendment to abolish slavery.
I’m going to struggle to write a detailed review of Looper without spoiling a lot about it, so I’ll keep somewhat vague.
Going into this movie, I knew it would have an immediate disadvantage in my mind: I hate people who ride bikes on the street. Like they think they’re cars or something… Don’t they realize they force all cars in the right lane to drift over to the oncoming traffic lane so that we don’t murder them? Don’t they realize that they cause inconvenience to everyone just so they can do their stupid exercise routine? Bike riders are such inconsiderate people. I remember even back in college, I would be walking to class, minding my own business, and bike riders would whiz in front of me, or cut me off, and yell frantically “ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEFT”. Dude, shut up, it’s 7:30 AM. Don’t yell at me about moving out of your way on a sidewalk. I don’t even want to think about the amount of times I tripped or almost tripped on a bike tire that inconsiderately went in front of me back then. And these are just casual bike riders. Turns out professional bike riders are worse…