January Movie JANboree!

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Oh, hi…!  Remember me?  I complained about last year’s busy schedule reducing the amount of posts I write around here, and 2017 has gotten off to a far worse start.  I’ve gone to five movies in the first month of the year, and I’ve failed to write anything about any of them.  Until now!

So enjoy some tiny reviews of the selection of January 2017 movies I decided to check out.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get around to seeing xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.  BUT TRUST ME, I WANTED TO.

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Judging The Movies That I Don’t Want To See In Theaters Right Now

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I didn’t see any new movies over this past weekend, probably because everything looked terrible.  So in the spirit of how a lot of people seemed to dump all over Chappie without even seeing it (even though you probably should), I thought I’d just go through my Fandango app right now and see what movies are playing at the theater today that I haven’t seen yet; and then elaborate why I, personally, don’t plan on seeing them.  I think March might have become the new January…!

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Movie Review: A Walk Among the Tombstones

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At a time when odd gimmicks with one sentence premises roam free at the theaters, I was still kinda shocked when Universal Pictures decided to release a gritty cop drama about Liam Neeson trying to figure out which frozen pizza he’d like eat for dinner.  It’s a bold move, and frankly, it paid off with some bold cinema.  Maybe not as bold as a Tombstone Double Top 4 Meat Pizza, but pretty bold nonetheless.

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Movie Review: A Million Ways to Die in the West

Reaction shot.

Reaction shot.

I wasn’t keeping tabs, but here’s my best guess at the tally of the jokes from this film…  Twelve boner jokes, seven poop jokes, two pee jokes, five unexpected celebrity cameos, six random cutaway jokes, five kick in the groin jokes, and about seven people-falling-down-to-end-a-scene-with-a-laugh jokes..  Probably about equal to what I was expecting in a Seth MacFarlane movie.  At one point, as the characters entered a barn dance, I got up and slowly walked to the bathroom (wasn’t in much of a hurry to get back), and upon re-entering the theater, I caught the last 10 seconds of what appeared to be a classic MacFarlane forced song and dance number where everyone was singing about mustaches.  Just people singing “Mustache!” “Mustache!” over and over again.  Sorry I missed the genesis of that gem of a sequence…

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Lazy Movie Review: Non-Stop

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Premise:  Liam Neeson is an air marshal, and also an alcoholic, who has a daughter, and is tired of doing his job.  All of this is revealed in the first 45 seconds of the movie; as he sits in his car, takes a swig of whiskey, touches a picture of his daughter, and acts morose about going into work.  *That’s* how you character develop shit, son!  Anyway, someone from aboard the international overnight flight accesses Neeson’s restricted cell phone line, and starts texting him threats that one person on the plane will die every twenty minutes until he delivers $150 million to a bank account.  This is followed by NON-STOP UH-OHS.

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