R8in’ the F8: The 10 Most Furiously Gr8 Things About The Fate Of The Furious

Pop on your best sleeveless shirt and then pop on your best sleeveless tactical armor, and while you’re at it, pop in the finest lime wedge into that Corona you’re drinking, brother!  I saw Fate of the Furious, aka F8 0f th3 Fur10u5, aka [shows you tattoo of a stone Jesus cross with monster truck wheels] over the weekend, and I have a comprehensive list of all the best things about this movie.

[HOPS IN 2005 HYUNDAI SONATA] [STARTS DOING DONUTS IN YOUR GARDEN]

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Ranking All the Characters in Suicide Squad

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As I try to do with every comic book movie I can, I have now given the official, unarguable ranking of all the characters in Suicide Squad.  If you’d like an overall opinion of ‘Cide Squad from me, I thought it was about as fun as it was stupid; which is the best backhanded compliment I can possibly muster up for it.

I can understand why most movie critics didn’t like it, because it would be the equivalent a food critic complimenting a beef quesalupa.  But c’mon, you’re telling me you’ve never eaten $14 worth of Taco Bell and felt really satisfied with yourself?  No?  Well, Meryl Streep and Hugh Grant’s Florence Foster Jenkins comes out this weekend.  I hope you enjoy it, Professor!  [chugs entire bottle of Cotton Candy Faygo in critic’s face]

On to the rankings!

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Ranking All the Characters in Captain America: Civil War

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As is now my standard for reviewing these giant ensemble superhero movies, I will rank all of the characters I can remember from the movie from best to worst.  Not listed: the single tear that falls from my face every time I see Captain America defending this amazing country that I love so god damn much.

Oh yeah, this will be a spoiler filled article, I’m sure.  But based on the box office numbers, I’m sure you saw this anyway.

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Lazy Movie Review: SPECTRE

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Premise:  In what might be (?) Daniel Craig’s final Bond movie, he plays some guy named Jim Bond, who is a spy and drives cars, and kind of just assumes that rando older Italian women want to bang him (turns out they do).  Why wouldn’t they, I guess?  I don’t know.  Leave me alone.  Anyway, he fights a couple of villains in this movie who wear uncomfortably over-stylized jackets, and one of them has a ponytail.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Bond villain who just wore a 1993 Buffalo Bills windbreaker and operated his evil corporation in an abandoned Sports Authority building in Indiana?  Well, there’s always the next reboot…  *closes eyes* *crosses fingers*  JOSH GAD JOSH GAD JOSH GAD.

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Movie Review: We Are Your Friends

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A not so guarded secret amongst my close friends is that I kind of have a thing for stupid dance genre movies.  I can watch them pretty much any time they are on.  You Got Served.  Stomp the Yard.  Step Up.  Step Up 2: The Streetz.  Step Up 3D!  Step Up REVOLUTION!  I once even almost went to a free advanced screening of Battle of the Year.  That’s the movie where Sawyer from Lost teaches known criminal Chris Brown (among other people) how to be a world champion b-boys, and they go to a b-boy world championship to represent America.  I almost put on pants and left my house to actively drive to a free screening of this.  I forgot why I didn’t end up going?  Maybe common sense finally kicked in?  I don’t know.  But just to let you know, I have since watched it on HBO.

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Lazy Movie Review:: Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

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Premise:  In addition to having the theme song that I sing really loudly while I take the trash cans to the curb every Thursday night (don’t ask), Mission Impossible also has my favorite animated bomb wick ignition sequences off all time too.  Fun Fact:  No one in this movie uses bomb wicks.  They use computers and stuff.  That’s why spy movies will never be as good as I imagine they were back before I was born.  Why don’t you try to escape a shark tank with a wet box of matches and a deck of cards, you cyber punks!

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