Movie Review:: Mad Max: Fury Road

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There were times in my life when I would plan days in advance to order a pizza.  Not just any pizza, but Giordano’s stuffed spinach deep dish.  On Sunday I would plan out my meals for the week, and I’d make a note to order that $30, extra large pizza all for myself on Thursday, and I’d wait all week knowing that on Thursday, I’d be biting into that delicious wad of melted cheese.  And when Thursday finally rolled around, and I picked up that pizza from the restaurant, and almost ritualistically cut it and sat down with two slices on my plate; that first bite was almost dizzying.  It was a high expectation living up to a reality.  Nothing about it let me down.  That’s where Mad Max: Fury Road comes in.  I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie in a while, and when it ended up being everything I hoped for, it became worth the agonizing wait.

Ya know, I’m sorry I wasted your time with that pizza metaphor.  I probably should have just started with the sentence “I haven’t been so hyped up for a movie…”.  I always have to attempt to make dumb comparisons to food.  That’s a crappily accurate expectation you should probably have for my reviews by now.  So at least I didn’t let you down in that regard.

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Movie Review: Furious 7

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I did *not* particularly enjoy the last movie in this franchise.  I thought the action scenes were long and fatiguing, I thought the plot made no sense, and I thought they wrapped it up in too stupid of a bow.  Plus all the actors seemed like they didn’t want to be there.  It felt like a step backwards from the insanity of Fast Five, which was also really dumb, but I didn’t hate it nearly as much.  So enter Furious 7, a sort of positive note for the franchise; where it kept all the good stuff reasonably insane, and all the boring stuff relatively short.

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Movie Review: Chappie

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This is my mandatory opening sentence that appears in every Chappie review that says I loved District 9.  Next up is my obligatory follow-up sentence talking about how disappointed we all collectively were for Elysium.  And of course, the opening paragraph’s closing sentence which asks a hopeful question to the readers: “But will Chappie be a return to glory for Neill Blomkamp?”  I’m just following Chappie review guidelines here, people.

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Movie Review:: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

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Near the end of the movie, as Ian McKellan and Martin Freeman’s perspective-aiding body doubles rode back to the Shire on their ponies in wide shots, I’m not going to lie, I got slightly sad that this was going to be the last time I ever see a Middle-Earth movie in theaters.  Made me feel probably more genuine emotion anything else in this movie did.  Because let’s be clear, this was definitely my least favorite Lord of the Rings movie P-Jax has ever made.

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Lazy Movie Review:: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1

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Premise:  Take out the interesting premise of a battle royale competition between unwilling contestants from the previous two movies, then leave us with a bare bones revolutionary war set-up storyline with all the characters that were only interesting when they were in that battle royale situation; and now you have a sequel with a bunch of “meh” characters looking forward to accomplishing something that you know they won’t get to by the end of the two hours you’re sitting there.  BECAUSE IT’S PART ONE.

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Movie Review: Whiplash

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Ba doom ba dooom badaa bada trem trem trem ba do dam bam spleebidy chipida badoom da beem dam wim khicka phicka ba been rim chippa skididdildiddlidll wa chim ba dem bam boom TISSHSHHHHHSHSH.  That was my impression of a person playing the drums.  Next I will do my impression of a trumpet solo.  BBRRRRRRRUUU– oh, you’d like me to just get to the review?  Ok.

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Movie Review: Interstellar

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Interstellar is one of those movies where I could probably spend five minutes explaining the plot to you, because I understood basically what was going on, but the thought of actually typing it all out makes me not want to write this review.  Just go see the movie.  There’s parts of it that you probably won’t understand completely, but Christopher Nolan has done a good job of making it intelligent enough for smart people to appreciate, but dumb enough for dopes like me feel smart for being able to follow along.  He’s such a nice man for doing that.

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Movie Review: Fury

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I’m always surprised when a big budget Hollywood war movie comes along, and it tries to do things in really unconventional ways.  Take this film for example, starring Jack Black as a man in a giant tiger costume who meets a lovable woman named Ferna (played by Aubrey Plaza), who also happens to dress up in a giant wolf costume.  Sure, the outside world doesn’t understand their lifestyle, or their sexual impulses, but – uhhh.  Wait…  This is embarrassing…  One second…

(leaves the 6:45 pm screening of “Furry” in auditorium 8, and enters the 7 pm screening of “Fury” in auditorium 9)

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Theater Roundup: The Best That Late September Can Muster

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I’ve seen a bunch of movies since I last wrote about that weird Liam Neeson pizza movie a couple of weeks ago, but between a busy schedule full of hard working, hard traveling, hard vacationing, and hard eating (ow!); I would highly doubt that I’ll gather up the time and energy to give each of these movies their own proper over-worded, smarmy review.  So here I am now, just spewing them all out in little chunks, like an undercooked Tombstone Double-Top 4 Meat pizza after a grueling night of drinking whiskey mixed with blended Starbursts.

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Sin City 2 vs. Expendables 3: When Sequels Meet Sequels

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Just like when those two Scarlett Johansson sci-fi movies came out around the same time to confuse you, Hollywood has dumped two almost completely unneccessary sequels on your lap in the same month: Sin City 2 and Expendables 3.  So I thought I’d help you out with another FAQ to better understand what you’re looking for before you (probably don’t) go see either of these movies.

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