Well, hello there! Seems like it’s been a while! How are you? Have you lost weight? Is that a new hat?
Premise: It’s very simple. Jim from The Office in a Michael Bay movie about Benghazi.
I see more movies than the average person, but probably less than a psychotic person, but every so often someone will find a movie I haven’t seen and hold it over my head like it’s my job to have seen every film ever created. “No, I haven’t gotten around to seeing that movie, but I *have* seen “Play Time” by Jacques Tati. Twice! Yes, I live a sad, empty life, why do you ask?”
Anyway, I saw an article on Uproxx about pop culture blind spots, and it got me thinking about what I hadn’t seen. So, I guess my first confession would be that this isn’t that original of an idea! But I thought I’d just clear the air and get out 15 movies that I’m ashamed (sort of? maybe?) that I’ve gone through my life never watching.
While I’m well aware that I’m part of the problem by giving Michael Bay $8 towards a $100 bill he will eventually use to wipe his butt with, I’m still curious as to what the motivation is for enough people to go see Transformers to earn it $301 million worldwide? How many are truly fans of the series? How many just wanted to kill some time at a summer blockbuster? How many have some secret sexual fetish for sarcastic robots with human accents? My excuse is a combination of morbid curiosity to see what visual highs/comedic lows this franchise can go to, and an almost torturous obligation to myself to see as many high-profile films in theaters as I can, despite every sign telling me to save my money and stay home. This is the same sickness that will have me groaning through Melissa McCarthy’s Tammy at some point in the next week. And I actually kind of want to see Deliver Us From Evil…? What is wrong with me…?
Premise: C-Tates just wants to be a secret service guy, but the government has put him on Speaker of the House security detail… BORING… But while visiting the White House with his daughter, local terrorists start causing trouble in the capital. Shit starts to go *down* in the White House, if you will. [giant cane comes out of kitchen, grabs me by the neck, pulls me away from computer, audience at the Apollo mysteriously boos me in the distance]
As we were waiting in the movie theater for Pain & Gain to start, a weird thing started to happen. Two little kids, probably ages 6 and 3, walked into the theater by themselves and sat down a few rows behind us. No parents. Then some more kids, maybe 5 each, walked into the theater, but they at least had parents this time. And then another family walked in with probably a 10-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl. And then ANOTHER family walked in with pre-teens. So many families walked in that I started to get concerned, not for the children’s well-being in an R-rated film anymore, but that perhaps that we had walked into the wrong auditorium. Maybe we stumbled into The Croods by mistake? About 15 minutes after the two very small children had entered the theater by themselves, two middle-aged white ladies with popcorn and drinks appeared around the corner smiling and talking, and eventually sat next to their children. And then Pain & Gain started. We were in the right theater. These families had indeed intentionally brought their young children into this VERY adult film. I don’t particularly remember the movie being advertised as anything family friendly, and even if they *did* get conned into seeing it, they could have taken their family out of the theater after the first strip club scene, or maybe at the first sign of dildos. Both of which happen before the halfway point. But nobody left. I don’t want to comment on anyone’s parenting abilities, but wow, this seemed like some freaking terrible parenting. I wonder how ironic that those two dumb ladies found it that they sent their young children blindly into a room full of adult strangers for 15 minutes, and the main plot of the film they watched involved a brutal kidnapping?
I saw 76 films that were released in 2011. I think that’s more than usual. The last two years it was in the 50’s. Anyway, as I like to do, I’ve ranked them in order of awesomeness. If any of the grades are different than the original score I gave them, that’s because I’ve probably watched them again since and given them an updated value. Or I’ve just had time to think about them more, and changed my mind a little bit. Yes, I can do that if I want. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh.
I’d like Michael Bay if he looked and acted like Woody Allen. Made the exact same movies but looked and acted like Woody Allen. If he was just this mega nerd who was obsessed with explosions and special effects and gratuitously showed supermodels at inappropriate times during robot battles. I would like that guy. I would think he’s awesome. Like a Peter Jackson type, who was a fat dork sitting in a dark room conjuring in his mind how he wanted to film the battle scenes in Middle Earth. Instead Michael Bay is just unlikable Michael Bay. He’s like the super popular rich snobby jerk in high school who got everything he wanted (girls, clothes, cars), but you think life will even out for him eventually and he’ll end up working at his dad’s car dealership in your hometown 10 years later, because the world is supposed to be fair, right? But then he grew up, bedded countless supermodels while working for Victoria’s Secret making piles of money, then gets unlimited budgets for blockbuster movies with no apparent scripts, and well becomes a Michael Bay type. I wanted to use a different person for the analogy, but Michael Bay is honestly the best person to fit that description. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t like Michael Bay as a person, and after reading his GQ oral history of Michael Bay article, I have no reason to believe he isn’t actually a pompous mega jerk.