Premise: Tom Hanks stars as master baker James Bonovan, who in the cold war must bridge the gap between the delicious German blachindla and the savory Russian vatrushka in order to create a sense of – oh wait… That’s Bridge of Pies. Sorry. Tom Hanks stars as master spy James Sonovan, who in the Cold War got in a heated dispute with rival Soviet spy about a missing vatrushka from his apartment and – no, wait… That’s Fridge of Spies… I am sooooo sorry. Tom Hanks stars as master food builder James Fonovan, who – Ok, wait, before we waste any more time, that’s Ridge of Fries we’re talking about, and you know it. Which one in particular are *you* looking for a premise to? Bridge of Spies…? Oh, OK. Tom Hanks stars are master insurance lawyer who must negotiate a deal to trade two opposing spies during the Cold War.
Ya know, it’s kind of hard to continue to keep a steady flow of content flowing for this unpaid, time-exhausting hobby of writing new movie reviews for a small time crappy blog, when there aren’t any new movies ever coming out worth seeing… There’s been about four or five good movies so far this year, but then on the weekends when nothing exciting comes out, I just have no desire to subject myself to the drivel that’s getting pooped into the AMC. In years past I would have, for sure. But lately now I seem too busy to spend my time even writing a scathing joke review of Clint Eastwood’s son’s Nicholas Sparks movie. Oh well. I blame Josh Gad for all of this. I don’t think that’s justified in any way, but it just feels right.
Anyway, what this has come to, because I don’t want to pay $10 to see something I know will be boring, is that I’m going to review the 1987 detective movie Angel Heart. Why? Because it was on Encore as I was flipping through the channel guide, and the description sounded interesting. I didn’t even know it existed before yesterday. So… There’s really no *good* reason for me to be reviewing it. But here we are…. …And there you probably went…
American Sniper has been a bit of a polarizing experience, if you happen to read any articles about it. I guess the central figure, Chris Kyle, has gone under some scrutiny for actions not really shown in the film, while at the same time the movie has been glorified and praised for its flag waving American pride type themes. There’s a lot to be discussed, and it’s all a very serious matter, so I’m going to do everyone a favor and let the two sides of the story speak for themselves… On one side, there’s the heavily Oscar nominated Clint Eastwood film American Sniper, and on the other side is the lunch I had at Naf Naf Grill yesterday.
Premise: Without giving too much away, the movie starts out as homeless guy Dwight (Macon Blair) is set on getting revenge on a guy being released from prison who did something bad to his family years ago. The rest of the movie is about Dwight defending himself and evening scores while being kind of a hilariously semi-inept amateur assassin who doesn’t *quite* know what he’s doing.
Premise: Kevin Smith made a movie about a man who turns another man into a walrus. I’m… …I’m not sure if I need to add more to this premise…?
Premise: In the first instance of Hercules being played by a guy named Dwayne; the legendary hero joins forces with the king of Athens to take down the army of Rhesus, the evil Lord of Peanut Butter Cups, who is doing something to someone, that makes the king angry or something. But is the king himself evil? Did Hercules murder his family? Probably not? Yeah, I assumed he didn’t either. That was a dumb side story of manufactured suspense that no one fell for. Does anyone even care? Oh… wait… Oh my god… I didn’t realize this was a Brett Ratner film until the credits started rolling… It all makes so much sense now! The incompetence makes so much sense now!
(thinks about all the Chipotles destroyed in the carnage) (sheds a single tear)