Oh hey, how’s it going? I thought since I had some time this holiday week I’d share some short year-end movie lists. I don’t think that I’ve watched as many movies this year as I usually do because I’ve been pretty busy. Oh, what have I been doing that’s kept me busy? That’s so nice of you to ask! Well, let’s see, other than another successful year of freelance work… I bought a house. I bought a dog. I started writing a novel, to see if I could. I got a few chapters into it so far, but I don’t really know where it’s going or when I’ll ever finish it. Ummmm, what else? I started trolling people who boycott NFL games on Facebook. That’s been fun. I won a fantasy football championship for a second year in a row. I’m probably going to buy a VR headset with my prize money… Hey listen, my life isn’t that interesting, but I saw some movies this year and now I’ll rank them for your amusement and my self-gratification. That’s how this works.
Also, I’m sure there’s a bunch of spoilers in this, so read the flavor text at your own risk.
Pop on your best sleeveless shirt and then pop on your best sleeveless tactical armor, and while you’re at it, pop in the finest lime wedge into that Corona you’re drinking, brother! I saw Fate of the Furious, aka F8 0f th3 Fur10u5, aka [shows you tattoo of a stone Jesus cross with monster truck wheels] over the weekend, and I have a comprehensive list of all the best things about this movie.
[HOPS IN 2005 HYUNDAI SONATA] [STARTS DOING DONUTS IN YOUR GARDEN]
With World War III on the horizon, please take some time to do what’s important, like reading some short movie reviews of some stuff you probably didn’t bother to watch. Heck, I saw these movies all within the last couple of weeks, and two of the four of them are already out of theaters.
I better crank these out, because if I had an editor, they’d be chewing me out big time for my lack of writing production around here. This is only my sixth post of the year, and I don’t think I’ve written a post focused on just a single movie in probably 8 months. I don’t deserve the paycheck I get from this site, to be honest with you, folks. I don’t deserve it, and I also don’t receive one, so it all works out. What, get to the reviews? Fine.
I’ve seen a few movies in the last few weeks, and they all share a common theme… Beasts! Let’s dive into some pretty hairy movies.
February has passed by and I’ve only had time to gather another whole month’s worth of movies into one post. But what’s weird about this month’s crop? Well, I saw seven movies, and four of them were sequels. Another “original” one seemed like a cheap money-making scheme. So I thought this month I’d address whether or not these were genuine attempts to make films, or just studio’s attempts to print money?
Oh, hi…! Remember me? I complained about last year’s busy schedule reducing the amount of posts I write around here, and 2017 has gotten off to a far worse start. I’ve gone to five movies in the first month of the year, and I’ve failed to write anything about any of them. Until now!
So enjoy some tiny reviews of the selection of January 2017 movies I decided to check out. Unfortunately, I didn’t get around to seeing xXx: The Return of Xander Cage. BUT TRUST ME, I WANTED TO.
It’s finally here! The movie we’ve been waiting for since last December! Now we can finally see the backstory behind the tragedy that jettisoned Casey Affleck’s humble New England family life into a tailspin! Sit back, relax and enjoy the Bostonian fan service (oh, the accents!) in Disney’s Manchestah One: A Wicked Pissah Story.
Oh, and Rogue One came out, too.
This week I wanted to look at the differences between two of 2016’s comedy movies; the mega wide release ensemble comedy Office Christmas Party, and Mike Birbiglia’s indie flick Don’t Think Twice. Neither of these are about talking animals, so they didn’t dent the 2016 box office very much.
We’re coming down to the end of the year, and I don’t even think I have a definitive #1 movie of the year yet. As you’ll see once again by this group of reviews, everything I see lately seems to wind up in the B grade area. How many more chances are there for A grade movies?! Rogue One? La La Land? Assassin’s Creed? (haha just kidding on that last one)
One thing I am very much looking forward to at the end of this month, though, is that I will never have to see the trailers for Collateral Beauty or Passengers ever again. I don’t know how much they dumped into marketing these things, but I’ve seen both trailers before every single movie I’ve gone to, to the point that I’ve begrudgingly memorized the lines. “So why did you give up your life on Earth?” and “Howard doesn’t write letters to people, he writes to things.” are two lines I hope I never have to hear again once 2017 starts.