Movie Reviews: Fantastic Beasts, The Edge of Seventeen, and Bad Moms

fantastic-beasts-01

We’re getting into the thick of the fall movie season, which means there’s a lot of options of movies to check out!  More than I even have time to see.  I think I’m going to be skipping Bad Santa 2 (haven’t seen the first one), Rules Don’t Apply (don’t know what this is), and Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk (the trailer looks stupid).

But what I have to talk about for now covers all the demographics!  From teenage girls to, um, 30-year-old moms to, well, 1920s wizards…  Ok, I can’t really relate to any of this, but I will try!

Continue reading

Movie Review: It Follows

it follows 4

Well, March is finally almost over.  It was a pretty good month for everything *except* movies.  I ended up only seeing two films within this month, and while both happened to be pretty good (this and Chappie), it just felt like everything else was unbearably undesirable.  I feel like I should add some additions to my last post for Sean Penn’s Liam Neeson ripoff, and that generic looking Dreamworks movie that I have never seen a commercial for.

Continue reading

Movie Review:: Nymphomaniac: Volumes I and II

nympho 1

I finally got a chance to see Lars von Trier’s much talked about epic boning saga of a woman who is recounting her entire sexual life to a complete stranger who found her bruised up and unconscious on the street.  In an effort to make myself seem less pervy, I didn’t watch the director’s cut, which apparently features real sex and visible dongs going in and out of some strange.  But this version still had plenty of rubber dicks and boobies.  BUT IT’S A REAL FILM!  UMA THURMAN IS IN IT!  DON’T JUDGE ME!

Continue reading

Lazy Movie Review:: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

catching fire

Premise:  Based on the popular book series to which I’ve read the first one and didn’t bother reading the two sequels; Katniss is back, and she is angry and such about having to be the symbol of a revolution.  Life was so much simpler before she murdered those other teens on television and became famous.  Been there!  All the lovable characters from the first one are still around; like Peeta (the useless guy), Haymitch (the drunk guy), Cina (the poorly acted guy), Gale (the forced love triangle guy), President Snow (the evil guy) and Elizabeth Banks, whose character name I can’t remember.  Let’s just call her Foofica Promwillywick.  That name matches her appearance pretty well.

Continue reading

Lazy Movie Review: Ender’s Game

enders_game

Premise: In an effort to exploit Hollywood for all its young talent of the last few years, I assume a (possibly coked up) movie producer said in the past year, “I have a teen sci-fi picture I need to make.  Bring me that critically acclaimed kid from Hugo, that critically acclaimed kid from True Grit, that critically acclaimed kid from Kings of Summer, and that critically acclaimed little girl who used to be in Little Miss Sunshine.  And why don’t you find me the critically acclaimed girl from Kick-Ass as well?  Oh, she’s remaking Carrie?  Oh well, nevermind.  What?  Who?  The kid from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close?  Nah… That kid sucks.”

Oh, and I guess Ender’s Game is also based on some book or something that I assume no one has ever read before?  Some dollar store bargain bin read, I think?  Maybe a Danielle Steel?  It’s about a kid who is really good at video games, so he can translate that skill into commanding real life space armies and be a hero to Earth.  I tried using that excuse to convince my parents to let me play more video games when I was a kid, but my dad simply replied “You’re not fooling me, son, we both know you’re awful at video games.”

Continue reading

Carrie vs. Carrie: Carrie-ing on the Carrie Name

CARRIEvCARRIE

I saw the new 2013 remake of Carrie this week, and instead of doing a normal review, I thought I’d just compare it to the original like a jerk and see which one is better.  The Rage: Carrie 2 will not be discussed.  Ever.

I’ll just go ahead and spoil as much as I want, assuming you’ve seen the original Carrie (or just the new one).  If you’ve seen one of them, then you know what happens in the other, because they don’t really change any plot points.

Continue reading

Lazy Movie Review: The Kings of Summer

kings of summer

Premise:  Three teenage boys (Joe, Pat, and Biaggio) have less-than-ideal relationships with their parents.  Joe’s dad (Nick Offerman) is a cold, hard-worker type who is rather stern with him for his own good, but have a distance between them since the mom left the picture.  And Pat’s mom (Megan Mullally) is the obsessive, annoying, overly-nice type who embarrasses him at every opportunity, and is giving him hives.  So the two friends decide to build a house in the woods and live there over the summer, without telling their parents.  This weird kid named Biaggio tags along, too.

Continue reading

Lazy Movie Review: The Way, Way Back

way way back

Premise:  14-year-old Duncan is forced to spend the summer at his mom’s boyfriend’s summer house on the beach.  He shows up with no friends, no communication skills, and no charisma.  But after befriending (and working for) the owner of a local water park, Owen (Sam Rockwell), he starts to gain some confidence, and maybe things will end up alright after alllllllllllllllll…?

Continue reading

Movie Review: The Host

host1

Get ready for another entry into Hollywood’s recent obsession with giving teenagers supernatural powers, or something…  Or whatever…  Is it sad to say that I miss the era of movies when we were force-fed film after film about little British children going on magical adventures?  Well, let’s not say things we can’t take back, but neither genre is particularly flattering (except Harry Potter, OBVIOUSLY).

Continue reading

Lazy Movie Review: The Place Beyond the Pines

pines1

Premise:  If it’s not obvious by his awful tattoo selection, stunt motorcyclist Luke (Ryan Gosling) makes terrible life choices.  Most recently, he has knocked up a young woman (Eva Mendes) he met the previous time he was in Schenectady, NY, and now feels obligated to take care of his one-year-old son.  His best means of providing for his son in the quickest way possible?  Robbing banks.  Meanwhile, rookie cop Avery (Brad Cooper) is also raising a one year old son, while struggling to deal with the internal corruption of the Schenectady police department.  Perhaps in the future, these two gentlemen’s sons will meet in high school?  PREDICTABLE SPOILER ALERT:  THEY DO.

Continue reading