Lazy Movie Review: Bridge of Spies

Premise:  Tom Hanks stars as master baker James Bonovan, who in the cold war must bridge the gap between the delicious German blachindla and the savory Russian vatrushka in order to create a sense of – oh wait…  That’s Bridge of Pies.  Sorry.  Tom Hanks stars as master spy James Sonovan, who in the Cold War got in a heated dispute with rival Soviet spy about a missing vatrushka from his apartment and – no, wait…  That’s Fridge of Spies…  I am sooooo sorry.  Tom Hanks stars as master food builder James Fonovan, who – Ok, wait, before we waste any more time, that’s Ridge of Fries we’re talking about, and you know it.  Which one in particular are *you* looking for a premise to?  Bridge of Spies…?  Oh, OK.  Tom Hanks stars are master insurance lawyer who must negotiate a deal to trade two opposing spies during the Cold War.

Movie Review: Crimson Peak

Dare I say it?  This is the most exciting movie I’ve ever seen about clay mining?  I don’t think I’ve thought hard enough to make a final judgement, but it’s certainly in my top 50 clay mining movies.  That’s for sure.

Movie Review: 99 Homes

Have you ever been watching Comedy Central at 2 A.M. and when the commercials come on, one of those Sarah McLachlan animal abuse fundraisers shows up, or the one about the African children starving to death, and then Comcast freezes up and you can’t change the channel?  That’s kind of what it’s like to interrupt a perfectly good day to catch a screening of 99 Homes.  It’s depressing sadness forcefully injected right into your eyeballs.

Measuring the Meaty Movie Weekend: The Martian, The Walk, and Sicario

Man, this weekend was a gift from the gods compared to last weekend, when the hottest option available was that crappy Eli Roth rainforest movie.  I managed to check out three new movies on the big screen.  Considering most of you have more important things going on in your lives, I’ll compare the three movies for you right now, in hopes that you at least go see one of them.