Here Are Some Movie Reviews: Sully, Angry Birds, and The Boy

Near the end of every week, I get excited and open my Fandango app and see what’s going to be playing that weekend at my local AMC.  Especially around the end of the year, when theaters are more open to playing smaller indie movies that might be getting awards hype.

So, what do I see last week when I check what’s playing…?  A Blair Witch sequel?  A Bridget Jones sequel?  Is this 2004?  Why is this happening?

An Oliver Stone directed Edward Snowden movie?  But I already watched the documentary last year that had the *actual* Edward Snowden in it…  And Oliver Stone made Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.  PASS.  HARD PASS.

The Disappointments Room?  When the Bough Breaks?  The Wild Life?  What the hell are these movies?  Upon looking them up, these three films have a *COMBINED* Rotten Tomatoes score of 20%.  Why are these movies in theaters?

Fine, I’ll just quickly review Sully, which I saw two weekends ago and never reviewed, and then two other movies I watched Saturday night on Playstation Network while having some drinks.  Cripes.

In Search of Immaturity: Sausage Party, War Dogs, and Everybody Wants Some

In the past two weeks I’ve been gifted three films that catered really hard to the man-child crowd; the t-shirt-and-cargo-shorts demographic that I most definitely get grouped into.  The profanity is rampant, the themes are non-productive, and yet, they are almost made with such competence that they could (and should) be considered legitimate art.  Like drinking Bud Light out of a $500 wedding flute, or listening to opera while lighting fireworks in a trash can.

July Movie Roundup: Star Trek Beyond, Lights Out, Secret Life of Pets, Jason Bourne

An increasingly busy schedule this year has once again put me behind on the movie reviewing, so I’m here with four movies that you’ve probably already seen and/or forgotten even came out at some point in July.

Lazy Movie Review: Ghostbusters ’16

Premise:  Also known as Lady Ghostbusters, #NotMyGhostbusters, and The Movie That Shattered a Million Fragile Childhoods; this was a remake of a movie a lot of people like from a long time ago.  Kind of like Total Recall (2012), King Kong (2005), Conan the Barbarian (2011), National Lampoon’s Vacation (2015), Arthur (2011), and so on.  What was the difference between this Ghostbusters remake and all of these other ones that’s causing such a backlash?  I don’t know?  Probably because there’s chicks in it, BRAH.  Bill Murray wasn’t a girl, didn’t you know that?  Why do things have to be different all the time?  Why do we live in a time when we are able to drink Ecto Cooler, but I still have to listen to women tell jokes?  This is such a cruel planet.  Did you know there’s a lady Slimer in this?  Doesn’t that make you want to write a 4,000 word think piece on the disintegration of Hollywood originality?  No?  Well, I guess you’re a stronger person than I am.

Speed Reviews: X-Men Apocalypse; Popstar; Ninja Turtles; Warcraft; Conjuring 2

Well, hello there!  Seems like it’s been a while!  How are you?  Have you lost weight?  Is that a new hat?

Lazy Movie Review: Dirty Grandpa

Premise:  An old guy is horny and says inappropriate things.  There, you got the amazing premise out of me.

Lazy Movie Review: 13 Hours

Premise:  It’s very simple.  Jim from The Office in a Michael Bay movie about Benghazi.

Lazy Movie Review:: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2

Premise:  I actually had to read my review from last year of Mockingjay Part 1 just to remember what happened in it, leading into this one.  And to be honest, I’m not sure what happened in Part 1 that even had great significance in Part 2, other than that wiener kid Peta coming back and Katniss being forced into a relationship with him again for some reason, despite a complete lack of chemistry.  So, to sum up Mockingjay Part 2 into an easy sentence of plot description: Katniss gets into the Capitol, but it’s rigged with hundreds of booby traps, yet the movie kind of ends exactly how you’d expect it to.

Lazy Movie Review: SPECTRE

Premise:  In what might be (?) Daniel Craig’s final Bond movie, he plays some guy named Jim Bond, who is a spy and drives cars, and kind of just assumes that rando older Italian women want to bang him (turns out they do).  Why wouldn’t they, I guess?  I don’t know.  Leave me alone.  Anyway, he fights a couple of villains in this movie who wear uncomfortably over-stylized jackets, and one of them has a ponytail.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Bond villain who just wore a 1993 Buffalo Bills windbreaker and operated his evil corporation in an abandoned Sports Authority building in Indiana?  Well, there’s always the next reboot…  *closes eyes* *crosses fingers*  JOSH GAD JOSH GAD JOSH GAD.

Lazy Movie Review: Bridge of Spies

Premise:  Tom Hanks stars as master baker James Bonovan, who in the cold war must bridge the gap between the delicious German blachindla and the savory Russian vatrushka in order to create a sense of – oh wait…  That’s Bridge of Pies.  Sorry.  Tom Hanks stars as master spy James Sonovan, who in the Cold War got in a heated dispute with rival Soviet spy about a missing vatrushka from his apartment and – no, wait…  That’s Fridge of Spies…  I am sooooo sorry.  Tom Hanks stars as master food builder James Fonovan, who – Ok, wait, before we waste any more time, that’s Ridge of Fries we’re talking about, and you know it.  Which one in particular are *you* looking for a premise to?  Bridge of Spies…?  Oh, OK.  Tom Hanks stars are master insurance lawyer who must negotiate a deal to trade two opposing spies during the Cold War.